Seroquel Tablets and a Bottle of Feelings

I. Hate. Feeling.

It sucks. Every little second of it. It’s stupid and I don’t want to do it anymore. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS. Well, maybe I did. Thanks, therapy.

I have uncorked all of my feelings and now I can’t help but cry at the drop of a hat. (Yes, granted I’m all hormonal and PMSie, but still.)

Yesterday memories of my molestation were flooding over me in vividity. I cried intense tears over my ex-boyfriend’s brother’s suicide. I cried about that relationship, about my dad, about this and that and ahhhhh. Everything is happening all at once. It’s overwhelming.

All I can do is recoil into my safe little pocket of the system. I feel awful for pushing others out, but it’s just a survival tactic. It’s what I’m used to doing; it worked so well as a child. I’m working on it, though.

In other news…yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. I was in there for 10 minutes.He asked me about my meds, told me to bump up the Lithium to 900mgs. Seroquel stays at 75mgs. I asked him what I could do when I’m having bad flashbacks, hallucincations, etc… He advised me TO DOUBLE UP ON MY SEROQUEL……

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Has anyone else had this advice? Isn’t that… not safe? He actually told me that I can fluctuate my Seroquel as I see fit, “it’s not a big deal.” When I’m having an episode, he told me to just bump it to 300mgs. I’m sorry, I’m at 75…. if I go to 300 I feel like I’d be in a coma.

He didn’t ask me any questions. Wham bam done, new script filled, oh see you in two months!

75 to 300. Seems legit…

 

Atrabilious

Saturday.

Saturday morning was spent well. I woke up next to my girlfriend, my face buried in the back of her neck.

Yesterday was difficult. We found ourselves in a slosh of wine and Seroquel. Somewhere between the tears and hallucinations, my girlfriend hovered above me, shaky pupils.

I was okay. I don’t think I was okay a few hours prior. I would have been admitted on the spot. Scissors in hand, 176 capsules of seroquel, and melodramatic goodbye notes… quite an atrabilious scene.

However, here I am. I’m alive.

Fuck, this is some scary shit. Going through all of this. This is probably just some really awful psychosis from the beauty that is Bipolar Disorder. The hallucinations have started since a few days ago.

Something good…. I had Thai food this afternoon with my uncle and my cousin. It was nice to catch up over food. I’m about to see my lady.

  
It’s 5:52 am. I woke up about 50 minutes ago, washed up, prayed, meditated and watched the sun come up.

My body is tired and I look beaten. I shook through the night in wet sheets from my sweat. The hallucinations became malicious and frightening. Im nauseated and weak. I didn’t think withdrawals would be this intense? I 900mgs of lithium and 75 of seroquel? Does that sound accurate?

Last night I decided to get out of the house and go to trivia with my cousin and his friends. It was fun and was a great distraction. I rocked at the Ancient Gods portion of trivia. *dusts shoulder*

Tomorrow is my psych appointment, thank god. My hands are still shaky. I guess it also doesn’t help that I’m also menstruating, now that I think about it. I’ve always had a super hard time with my cycles. 

Looking towards another long day. Hoping for some relief. 

Suppression, Smiles, and Seroquel Slurs

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment and I’m pretty excited about it. I emailed my boss at work letting him know that I’ll be taking a much longer lunch than usual because I had a doctor’s appt. He called me into the office, asking if this was a one time thing, of if my “condition still exists.”

My friend called me last night. He was my very first friend when I was admitted into PHP, and he’s been my friend since. He’s out of state now enrolled in a different PHP program. I was really happy to hear from him.

Today, I feel vaguely nostalgic- as if I’m living in my early teen hood body. I don’t know if it’s the weather, or what is happening. I just feel very different, again.

The seroquel is making me exponentially groggier in the morning. I stumbled out of said bed today and whammed my leg against my bathroom door. I hope I get used to it soon!

I’m going to go see my grandma this weekend. I’m actually very nervous because my cousin- the one that molested me for months and months when I was 12- is going to be at the house. So, I’ll have to suppress that a much as possible Maybe that’s why I have this ultra odd nostalgic, weird, fuzzy feeling. Not sure. Silver linings, I’m happy to see my grandma and my other cousin, who I really love.

Goldie and Micah’s Anathema

I haven’t been on in a few days- I have lots of comments to answer to!

Firstly, thank you for the birthday wishes, everyone! I had a fantastic day. I binged on Netflix whilst wearing my PJs and snacking. Allie hung out with me on my birthday throughout the day. Then, I went to my girlfriend’s house and spent much needed quality time with her. It was absolutely the perfect ending to my birthday.

On Sunday…I didn’t do much. Allie was chattery and all over the place. I felt as if she was pin balling everywhere, with all kinds of ideas and thoughts. I couldn’t contain her. Then, she reminded me of Micah’s foreboding anathema, and my stomach cramped. He had so graciously given me “50 days left,” and now those 50 days are done on March 26th.

Therefore, my anxiety has been all over the boards.

I’ve been queasy, sometimes unable to hold even water down. Last night, I hardly slept, being awoken by my own nightmares, then another episode startled me. I’ll get to that in one second.

Monday I had group. It was a bit emotionally arduous- not only for myself, but because I’ve developed an empathetic connection to these people and when they hurt, I hurt. It sounds selfish to say it, but I relate to one of the girls so well, I lost myself to my own painful memories yesterday.

During group, my therapist asked me if I heard voices. I said yes. Then, she asked me if they were ever religious- which was relevant to the group conversation. I said yes and proceeded to tell her about this one very awful entity. This is a story for another time. All you need to know is his initial begins with H, and he is one million times worse than M. He manifested from an obsession I had with the ouija board. I swore to myself I would never say his name aloud. Yet, I did. And he appeared. He’s with me now, draining my life force away from me.

Also, something else happened over the weekend that kind of hit a nerve. A very sensitive, touchy nerve and it sent me spinning through my own head. So, during group, I processed about how I felt as if I am unloveable “forever.” In my personal opinion, I think people fall in love with me quickly because I’m interesting. They’re fascinated with my fucked up mentality…but soon they realize that I’m batshit, and that I’m work. I’m hard work. Whether or not this statement is true is irrelevant, because due to said circumstance, a little piece of my heart irreparably scintillated and seared on Sunday.

And surprise, a new one introduced herself to me. Her name is Goldie. She’s a tough cookie. Allie brought her in as a reinforcement, because she’s worried. Allie has also brought back Celia as my “emotional accountant.”

Last night, through my nightmares and all, I woke up, and realized I was standing in front of my body mirror, conversing with Goldie. She spoke through me in her badass Jersey accent. She put me to bed when she realized I was awake, and told me not to worry about it anymore.

My girlfriend was scared because the other night, Allie spoke to her for a split second through me. I think I just let her slip out.

She’s been talking to me a lot, along with Allie, and now Celia is here, asking questions. I feel that I am losing my grip on reality, slowly. Which is fucked up because tomorrow is my LAST day at the hospital. I’m not ready. I need help. I’m slipping and I don’t want to admit because c’mon: all this time, after the meds, after therapy, I’m still not better?

I know this sounds stupid, but I feel possessed. I hate it.

The Farewell Series; When Your Mom Threatens Suicide

I don’t even know where to begin with this post, so I suppose I’ll start at the place that sucks ass the hardest.

A phone call from my mother today:
ME: Hello?
MOM: I…sweetheart…I just (drops phone)..I called to tell you….shut up ch-…honey…I want to say goodbye.
ME:….what are you talking about?
MOM: I don’t want to live anymore…I don’t want to live anymore…I want to kill myself…

I could tell she was high. She was in hysterics, slurring her speech, etc, etc.

At the moment, it didn’t upset me nearly as much as I would have thought. However, a few minutes later, I was in tears. The thoughts inside my head:

I don’t want to lose two parents to suicide. If she never gets better, does that mean there’s no hope for me? No one loves me. Even my own parents don’t want me. What’s wrong with me? Am I unloveable? 

So on and so forth. I’ve been in tears off and on about my dad and her all day.

On another note, my doctor was happy to hear that the meds are working in regards to the hallucinations. It’s been 4 days I think?) with none of them. My mood is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Mostly, I feel very depressed- so depressed that I cannot kick the suicidal ideation out of my head.

Well I’m just a bucket of fun, aren’t i??

My body is giving out due to the seroquel, so I’m going to go. Thanks for reading!

Thank You’s and Candy Tantrums

First, thank you for reading my blog- even when it gets really morbid and morose. Thanks for those of you who support me and help me through the ugly periods.

I did relapse on the opiates… not enough to get super high. But, it was a relapse nonetheless. I was able to pull myself together, thanks to my good friend beansycheese. Thank you for being there for me, even though you don’t need to be. I don’t think you realize how your words impacted me in the best way!

Blahpolar as well, I just want to let you know I think you’re a real rad blogger, and thanks for always having great advice for me.

Anyhoo, today was my first full day back at work. I had a fairly productive day. I kept having cravings all morning long- glancing at the desk cleaner. Alas, I didn’t even touch the can. Progress, they’d say.

I’m still a little shaky and foggy. Emotionally, I’m doing better- at least, depression wise. I’m having incredible mood swings. When I was first put on lithium 7 years ago, I remember intense angry episodes. I was so aggressive and had an almost nonexistent fuse.

Fast forward to my nearly 23-year-old self, dosed up with said Rx, I’m experiencing the same damn tantrums. I get so furious for no apparent reason. Today, I cried because I wanted candy. CANDY.

God bless America.

I’m excited to go to groups tomorrow. I really missed it today. It sounds funny, but I really missed checking in, listening to everyone, socializing, and just being there.

Back to Work, Seroquel Success Story, and a (Wished Upon) Crushed Pill

I went back to work today after going to my second day of IOP…

I’m struggling with cravings pretty badly today. I want to crush a Norco so bad…good GOD. Since last night, I’ve been nearly drooling for the high. Or anything, really. A glass of wine would do. But fuck it- I don’t want to suffer through the same consequences as I did before. Maybe I’ll drag myself to a meeting.

Groups went alright today. There wasn’t anything too outstanding. I’m happy to tell you that the Seroquel is working and I’m on day 3 of zero hallucinations!!!

So, I went back to work. It felt so strange returning to the office. My boss asked lots of questions, trying to figure out WHY exactly I was gone. I kept it vague, though. We agreed on a part time schedule so I can continue on with outpatient. The conversation was fairly painless. I had a lot of work to catch up on; 91 emails and lot’s of projects. I felt a bit overwhelmed.

Then, I went to talk to my Senior VP. Let me just say that this guy is awesome. He isn’t affiliated with Scientology whatsoever. I told him the truth about where I had been and what my treatment looks like in the future. He was SO supportive. He told me that my health was his priority, I should take as much time as I need to fully recover mind, body, and spirit, and he also let me know that I have his support and if my boss starts getting nosy, to let him know immediately. WHEW. Seriously, what a relief off of my shoulders!

That was my day. I still feel wildly triggered for some damn reason. I also feel anxious. I’m just fighting the urge. Even to self-harm…I don’t know what’s going on with me today.

Lazarusandlithium.com, Day 1 of IOP

100 followers!!!

I’ve hit 100 followers! Oh, this makes me so excited! You all are so awesome! 🙂 Thanks for the follow.

In honor of this occasion, I have registered my domain name as lazarusandlithium.com

Just when I thought the Seroquel was doing more damage than good, the hallucinations have stopped!! I had ZERO hallucinations yesterday! So far so good this morning. *does happy dance* AND the depression has been minimal. I feel as if I’m leveling out. I haven’t been on for the past couple of days, so I’ll try to update you on the key points…

Day 7 of Partial Hospitalization

Thursday was hard for me. I did feel depressed, albeit not as gnarly as usual. I felt very out of it. I was shaky, I felt fuzzy, and had a lot of passive suicidal ideation that scared me. I had a nightmare about Morris that really triggered paranoia and whatnot.  It was my last day for PHP, so I had minimal anxiety about starting the Intensive  Outpatient Program (IOP). I didn’t feel ready to step down; however, due to work purposes and finances, I needed to step down.  So, all in all, tough day. I got to see my lovely girl friend, though, so that made up for it!

Day 1 of Intensive Outpatient

It went well yesterday! Like I said, no hallucinations. DIfferent group, different schedule, but I loved it. My days now are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I was really shaky yesterday, and I fell in a store. I called my doctor and she said it was just low blood pressure. Today I feel much, much better!

I’m not really in the mood to write an extensive entry, so that’s what I’ve got!

Cheers.

Day 4 of Partial Hospitalization- Seroquellian Dreams

Day 4 went pretty well. The group was rather quiet and mellow in the morning. We welcomed two new members- both came from 2 weeks as inpatients.

I spoke with my doctor this morning. I’m having blood work done tomorrow to check my lithium levels. She’s keeping me on 600 mgs for a while. In 6 minutes, I’ll be taking my first dose of Seroquel- 50 mgs. I’m slightly anxious about it, but I think I’ll be okay.

I talked a lot about my mom in the second group; my frustration with her, my anger because I feel that she is choosing drugs over me, my feelings of abandonment are resurfacing and I hate them. I still haven’t cried in group. I feel very apathetic.

In third group, we discussed depression. I was surprised at how many people understood me, and how I understood them in regards to the symptoms and aggravations of the black dog.

*takes meds*

I played hooky from fourth group and instead went out with 4 other awesome people I met in group. We went to a hookah cafe. How refreshing it is to converse with fellow Glitter Rainbow Imagineers. We’ve come up with a group title:

The 50-ONE-50s.

Tell me that isn’t the best thing ever.

I went to my first AA meeting tonight. It was an LGBT group, so I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Another fantastic benefit about AA is when I’m finished with PHP, I can continue to participate in group therapy. It really helps me a lot, and I’m so grateful for the experience I’ve been having so far in group. Driving to the treatment center, every morning, I find myself thanking God- whoever that may be- for allowing me to have this new start. Things were really dark there for a second. More than a second. I’ve been struggling for years. I needed this break, I needed this medication, these people, this place to get me on my feet and well again.

I’m also grateful for this blog. Many of you are so supportive and I appreciate you all so very much!

I suppose now I’ll wait for this Seroquel to kick in and make me sleepy. Supposedly, it’s a real ass kicker when it comes to drowsiness. Thoughts? Advice? Personal experience?

My anxiety has improved in regards to my work. I visited my coworkers for a little while today after I filled my prescription. I think everything is going to be okay. I need this time for myself.