We’re working through trauma head on. A lot of memories float back into our space. Thankfully, we are handling each one pretty well.
I half wish I had more memory of this specific aspect of my life… but at the same time, I’m perfectly happy not remembering the details.
I’ve never written about this. I think I just need to get it out.
When I was in college, I unraveled, sexually. Abuse plus mania plus psychotic breakdown all equals severe trouble. I considered myself to be a virgin when I left for college, though I had been raped. I was 18. I met this Marine that for some reason swept me off my feet. Two days later, we had sex. He was very mentally and emotionally unstable and had taken advantage of my nurturing side. He had waved a loaded gun at me once as he was upset at me for not answering my text messages quick enough. Unstable.
After the Marine, I became exceedingly promiscuous. I used sex as a means for drugs- mostly heroin, pills, and alcohol. The night after I was gang raped, I was told that I was “asking for it” on account of the reputation I had built for myself. Just another reason I blamed myself for it happening.
Then, the rest of the year went blurry. Patches come back to me now….
I met Jay on a phone sex hotline, as a customer (I was working as an operator). After a couple phone dates, we exchanged personal cell phone numbers. Jay and I would talk every day multiple times. Soon, he began paying me directly. He would send me gifts, pay for my phone bills, and once helped out with my rent check. Jay told me that he could get me bigger and better money.
That’s how I started in the industry. I started off as an escort- I never had sex with clients, to my knowledge. He booked me high-paying clients to escort to several different functions and venues. They were polite. They just wanted arm candy.
Soon thereafter, I became interested in becoming an exotic danc- alright, a stripper. I wanted to try it out. Again, as far as I know, I landed a couple nights after my audition. I DO remember going under the name Rooney Jade for both the escorting and dancing.
After I was hospitalized, I went into rehab and was living with my then-therapist. Months had gone by. I received a call from Jay. My head was so intensely displaced that I had nearly forgotten who he was.
He asked me about the contract.
Apparently, I had agreed and signed to participate in an adult film for x-amount of thousand dollars. I deleted his number and blocked him out of my life forever.
I’m sure with more therapy, that part of my life will become more and more clear. It’s interesting now to look at. Just wanted to share.