I. Hate. Feeling.
It sucks. Every little second of it. It’s stupid and I don’t want to do it anymore. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS. Well, maybe I did. Thanks, therapy.
I have uncorked all of my feelings and now I can’t help but cry at the drop of a hat. (Yes, granted I’m all hormonal and PMSie, but still.)
Yesterday memories of my molestation were flooding over me in vividity. I cried intense tears over my ex-boyfriend’s brother’s suicide. I cried about that relationship, about my dad, about this and that and ahhhhh. Everything is happening all at once. It’s overwhelming.
All I can do is recoil into my safe little pocket of the system. I feel awful for pushing others out, but it’s just a survival tactic. It’s what I’m used to doing; it worked so well as a child. I’m working on it, though.
In other news…yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. I was in there for 10 minutes.He asked me about my meds, told me to bump up the Lithium to 900mgs. Seroquel stays at 75mgs. I asked him what I could do when I’m having bad flashbacks, hallucincations, etc… He advised me TO DOUBLE UP ON MY SEROQUEL……
Has anyone else had this advice? Isn’t that… not safe? He actually told me that I can fluctuate my Seroquel as I see fit, “it’s not a big deal.” When I’m having an episode, he told me to just bump it to 300mgs. I’m sorry, I’m at 75…. if I go to 300 I feel like I’d be in a coma.
He didn’t ask me any questions. Wham bam done, new script filled, oh see you in two months!
75 to 300. Seems legit…