The Girl with a Bleeding Heart

WARNING- extreme hippy dippy talk. 

I am currently in bed breathing through the most painful menstrual cramps that I’ve had in a while. I woke up writhing in immense, OH MY GOD MY UTERUS IS EXPLODING, pain. So I decided to take this time to meditate on it.
I used to take my menstrual cycles very seriously, for lack of a better term. Excuse the feminine rant here…  Menstruation is a sacred time for women. It’s a time for not only physical renewal, but spiritual rejuvenation. During this time, our body purges out old blood. In this blood also lies all of the energy that has been collected and suppressed during the month. I was very good about consciously letting go of my burdens when my period came. What a blessing, honestly! I welcomed the pain. My cycle was like a brand new start for the month. I would make it a point to be in nature with the feminine light of Mother Earth and I would find healing in that.

Somewhere along the way I forgot about this. I would pop ibuprofen the second I knew my period was coming and I would distract myself. I began to see my period as a nuisance and curse. But this morning, I brought myself back.

I laid here in bed and took myself through meditation. I drew a golden thread from my sacral chakra and took it deep through the core of the earth, past the rocks, past the lava and core and wrapped this thread around the heart of Gaia, the earth. I felt safely connected to the Mother as this thread acted as a spiritual umbilical cord. 

I focused on my womb. I invited any messages from my subconscious to come forward. I welcomed any feelings that may have been stirring in this place that I have been unaware of. As I became in tune, I realized that my lesson for this month was this: I need to nurture myself. I need to also go back in nature and allow myself to be taken care of by Gaia. I’ve been having so many problems with my birth mom. My actual mother- Gaia- has been here all along and I should rekindle that appreciation I have for her.

To end the meditation, I gathered all of the raw emotions I’ve been carrying of abandonment, self hatred, addiction, jealousy, anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I poured them down with my thread right back into the earth. From here, those energies were given back from the earth as unconditional love.

Now that you have sat through my probably nonsensical diary of hippie shit, I’d like to tell you about what happened to me yesterday. 

I talked to my brother about michael, my perpetrator. I don’t feel like getting into the entirety of the conversation, but I will tell you that it was an emotional roller coaster with both highs and lows.

The end result- my brother said the words that I’ve been waiting to hear for the past 10 years of my life. He loves me, he believes me, and he supports me. I feel a sense of justice FINALLY as a victim. I feel that my family loves me. I feel that I actually have a brother. And I feel that finally, Michael will be feeling exiled from our family. 

Hearing my brother say “I love you” was like lifting 100 pounds from my heart. The tears burst we out of my eyes. From this very moment of hearing him say this to me, I heard Allie say, Now you can start healing the right way.

The fragments of my life are starting to come together- particularly with my family. It’s hard. It’s painful! Just as I had mentioned above.. This is like one huge painful cycle of my life. The negative hurt is being purged out of my life and wonderful, healing energy is being poured back in.

As I was getting ready to go out with some friends to celebrate my book release, Allie told me how proud she was of me. And Goldie and Dee were proud too. I’m proud of myself for transforming the shit storm of my childhood into poetry, literally and figuratively.

Thanks for reading.


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