In the midst of an anxiety attack last, everything became very fuzzy and blurry. As I leaned on the kitchen counter in tears, trying to catch my breath, I heard Celia tell me, “You need to prioritize.” And Celia was back.


I haven’t seen nor heard from her in a while. But there she stood in her green dress and her pearls, dusting off her hand gloves.

Celia was/is my accountant of sorts… financial, emotional. She handles the logistics when my balance is out of control. I vaguely remember my first time at the mental hospital and how during that stretch of the month, she had set up a desk downstairs in the system’s house: papers piled high, an old fashioned calculator with the receipt printer built in, a cup of tea by her fountain pen holder.

She’s always been on the side lines, not very active. I rarely speak to her since her point of contact with the system is Allie. Usually, Allie brings her back when I’m too unstable. However, I think Celia came around on her own volition.

I moved into my girlfriend’s old room and she moved out. I’m excited about the location, the roommates, the cat, the apartment itself. I think I just am a little overwhelmed emotionally because it’s still a move, and it’s still a bit of an uprooting situation. I feel as if I’m in between homes, so to speak. At least I have my stuffed animals with me.

I was feeling extra shitty last night and had the awful, fucked up urge to cut. I didn’t. I was pouring out tears and was crying quite audibly. Finally, I broke down and was going to give in to the urge- and right as I went for the bathroom door knob, my girlfriend called me. She surprised me with a pizza delivery at the door! I face-timed with her and was able to calm down.

Last night, I had a dream that our cast had an encore performance but EVERYONE forgot their lines, the stage wasn’t even set up, it was AWFUL. Then I dreamed about a black widow and I tried to smoosh it, and it got away. I think it crawled into my overnight bag with clothes.

I feel better this morning. Celia had me collect all of my bills and debt in one place. I created a little report for her and sent it off. She’ll handle the rest, thank God.

My book is doing well after the release! If you haven’t had a chance to check it out, here’s the page: http://lazarusandlithium.com/lazarus-book/

I think I’ll head over to my grandma’s house after work, grab a few things, and visit with my cousin for a while.

Happy New Year, everyone!


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