I was casually reading a biography on Sylvia Plath, and these quotes stood out to me this morning:
“While few critics dispute the power or the substance in Plath’s poetry, some have come to feel that its legacy is one of cynicism, ego-absorption, and a prurient fascination with suicide.
The very source of [Plath’s] creative energy was, it turned out, her self-destructiveness. But it was, precisely, a source of living energy, of her imaginative, creative power. So, though death itself may have been a side issue, it was also an unavoidable risk in writing her kind of poem. My own impression of the circumstances surrounding her eventual death is that she gambled, not much caring whether she won or lost; and she lost.”
It has been one year since beginning this blog.
What a YEAR it has been. I am so proud of myself for actually committing to writing and staying with it. Secondly, I’m proud of myself for the leaps I have made and accomplishments. I survived! I survived when I thought for sure that I would have taken my life by now.
But I didn’t! I’m here!
It’s very strange, reading back on my old blog posts. I often forget where I used to be, how I felt, how my life was. I’ve made giant strides since then. On some level, it is comforting looking back and realizing that when I do fall into depression, it’s nothing that I can’t get myself out of. Then on the other hand, it’s frightening because I don’t know how long I will deal with depression.
I am very appreciative of the community here and for the friendships I have made. All of you have been so incredibly helpful on my venture through the mental health system and my own mind. Thank you.
In other news, this past weekend was a busy one. The play is going very well. I have 4 more shows to go. My girlfriend has already made it to 3 because she’s fucking awesome. My grandma surprised me and came into town to watch the play, too!
A few days ago, I was having another dumpling date with my girlfriend and I received a few text messages from my mom’s cell phone. The texts became urgent. When I called her phone, however, it wasn’t her. It was her husband, Charlie.
Just in case you don’t follow my blog, here’s a little synopsis on my relationship with her: she lives in South Carolina. I’ve never met her. I only just “met” her (over the phone) 3 years ago. She was a drug addict for years and years, spent ample time in prison, moved back to the south where she married her ex-convict husband, Charlie (who by the way, I just learned, is 35-years-old while my mother is 50. Just saying), and HE is also addicted to opiates and pills, a whole slew of things. Anyways, I do have a relationship with her now. There was a good period where she was abusing drugs again, so was he. He’s been in the hospital lately with some blood infections after he had his kidney removed, so he’s clean off of drugs. Anyways, this is a very detailed summary, I just realized.
The point is- Charlie called me and asked me if I could help them out with the electricity bill.
When I first got back in contact with my mom, I swore to myself that I would never, ever help her out financially. I don’t own her anything. Moreover, she herself promised me that she would never ask me for money, either.
So here calls Charlie, asking me for some kind of donation because their electricity was going to be cut off the next day. I think I believe it because she has been telling me they’ve been hurting for money since Charlie’s intensive hospitalizations. The thing is, though, it SUCKS that I even have to think twice about it. Hmm… are they using this money to use the lights in their home, or are they going to buy some heroin needles and tar and shoot up?
It sucks that I’m the daughter yet here I am feeling slightly bad that I can’t help her out and also feeling worried. I hate the feeling of not being sure if she’s using drugs. I hate that she’s married to this guy and I still haven’t met her. I hate everything about the situation and I think it’s bullshit.
I didn’t give him money. He asked if it could stay between him and I, and I said fine. I haven’t talked to her since that day. At first, I was more irritated then anything. Then, once I was by myself in the car, I couldn’t help but cry at the situation.
Other than that, everything else is going well. I’m moving soon! I’m really excited about that. My girlfriend is moving out and I’ll snag her bedroom. Finally, a space of my own that I can call home. Being at my grandma’s was great for helping me get on my feet, but it is time for me to move out and have my own space.
That’s all for now, WordPress!