Hours and Lack Thereof

I’ve lost an entire day, nearly. I’m concerned and a little scared.

I was at work yesterday, then, everything is very, very blurry. There are patches of memory, like talking to my girlfriend after work, going to billiards, getting gas (I think?)… This hasn’t happened so drastically in a while.

In the afternoon, I woke up underneath a familiar desk at work. I felt panicky and my palms were wet. He said that Senka had colored and she wanted him to get her some monster spray because she’s been having nightmares lately.

I vaguely remember leaving work, talking to my girlfriend. I don’t remember being at home. I think at some point I put gas in my car. I remember driving to the park somewhat to meet two people from the cast to run lines. It was cold out, so we went inside a billiards place. From there, I remember little to nothing. Apparently, we ran our lines, 7 scenes worth.

I drove home. One of the guys followed close behind on his motorcycle because he said I was acting strange and wanted to make sure I got home safely. Which I did. Then, I sobbed in the car. I was fading in and out and kept crying because I wanted to be alert enough to go see my girlfriend. She wanted to have a night by herself, and I understood that and was okay.

I got in the house and felt panic-stricken. My grandma was asking me repeatedly what was wrong, I kept saying nothing. But I couldn’t stop crying and I was afraid that I was going to disappear again. She tucked me in with a warm blanket and I was better.

I must have cried myself to sleep. I could hear Senka crying and felt that she just wanted affection. Anything, she just wanted to be held.

I’m sure she was delighted to be in my girlfriend’s company this morning. I drove over there, completely unaware that it was as early as it was. When I walked into her apartment, my ears shot and I heard voices. I could vaguely hear Goldie say, “Talk to her, talk to her” and the rest was inaudible chatter.

My girlfriend said Senka was sad because my grandma is heading back to New Mexico. I don’t think Senka wants to be left alone during the holidays. That made me especially want to cry because holidays were always, very hard on me as a kid. I spent the mornings of Thanksgiving and Christmas locked in my room crying either because I missed my mom and dad, or because I was afraid that there would be violence.

It makes me feel REALLY uneasy because I was feeling great yesterday. I don’t know what happened. Then, I dissociate. I know Senka is upset about something. She wants to talk to my therapist. I feel awful that I- we- whoever bothered my girlfriend last night when she probably really just needed a moment alone.

I keep feeling really fragmented and I’m a little nervous about slipping in and out. I wish I could tell people so that they would know at least,,, hey… I have DID… but no.

I’m thinking I may just need to go home, rest, try to calm everyone in the system down, calm myself down. Realize that everything is okay. Realize that everything with my girlfriend is okay and that we’ll talk later and she loves me, and Senka trusts her and loves her. Sometimes, more so in the past, I get wildly insecure because I feel like each time I dissociate, it’s one step back from my girlfriend- I feel embarrassed, I’m scared that it’ll be “the final straw” kind of thing. But I am continually reminding myself that she has never done that up until this point. She is supportive and always helps me find a conclusion. I am practicing trust and trusting that everything is okay, she may just need a breather. Everyone needs a breather! Trust.

I also suppose it wasn’t that bad of an episode yesterday; it’s more so the fact that *I* am scared because of how little I remember.

I have rehearsal tonight so I’m going to focus on memorizing my script.

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