I am working hard today. Since I woke early this morning, I’ve been battling mood swings of sudden, intense abandonment feelings. It’s Senka. She cries, wails, slams her fists into the pillows, pouting and whimpering, “Don’t leave me… come back… come back… I’m scared….” Then, it’s over- almost as quickly as it came on. Something about the house today is not settling well with any of us. I feel unsafe. There’s parts of me- child parts, mostly Senka- that are scared and wanting to hide. There are other parts that are observant and are armed with weapons.
Through therapy yesterday, I have come to realize how much neglect I actually experienced as a child through my teenage years. Feelings of selfishness have been surfacing throughout the passed few months. I feel selfish for taking so much time for myself, it’s always about me, there’s always something happening. I’m 23 and yet here I am in therapy, desperately trying to piece myself back together. I know it’s not selfish; it’s what I need right now.
Compassion. Try to be compassionate towards myself, ourselves. But how? I’ve gone through life making an ill mockery of my sad predicaments. I use dark humour in every aspect of my life. I can see where I lack in the compassion.
Dee is bulimic.
The Six. They are my protectors. Allie, Goldie, Dee, Senka, Rogue, and myself, the host. The rest I’ve yet to figure out their purpose.
I return to work on Monday. I’m very curious to find out what happens then.
Citizen has decided to take over now. There is an intruder in proximity to the system. Research. Lots of research, planning, careful planning will protect us. Citizen reports to Goldie as Allie distracts Senka.
When my father died, my family came over to the house to break the news to my grandparents. I remember my brother’s wife, who at the time was a close sister/maternal figure for me, pulled me into my bedroom as the 4-year-old that I was and distracted me with my stuffed animals. I could hear crying in the next room, yet I paid little attention and instead focused on my sister-in-law’s smile and jumpy eyes. She was always really great with children.