Saturday morning was spent well. I woke up next to my girlfriend, my face buried in the back of her neck.

Yesterday was difficult. We found ourselves in a slosh of wine and Seroquel. Somewhere between the tears and hallucinations, my girlfriend hovered above me, shaky pupils.

I was okay. I don’t think I was okay a few hours prior. I would have been admitted on the spot. Scissors in hand, 176 capsules of seroquel, and melodramatic goodbye notes… quite an atrabilious scene.

However, here I am. I’m alive.

Fuck, this is some scary shit. Going through all of this. This is probably just some really awful psychosis from the beauty that is Bipolar Disorder. The hallucinations have started since a few days ago.

Something good…. I had Thai food this afternoon with my uncle and my cousin. It was nice to catch up over food. I’m about to see my lady.


4 thoughts on “Atrabilious

  1. thisizallforyou says:

    Wow… this sounds terrible.

    But remember:

    “Edvard Munch, who painted “The Scream,” suffered from severe anxiety. Vincent Van Gogh batted depression, as did Pablo Picasso. Georgia O’keefe was hospitalized after a mental breakdown. German composer Robert Schumann struggled with mental illness all his life, attempted suicide, and was at one point admitted to an asylum. Edgar Allen Poe wrote beautifully dark scenes reflecting his own lifelong battles with mental illness. And Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys openly admits that, to this day, he occasionally hears voices in his head, sometimes even when performing on stage.”

    Coping with mental Illness can be a lot like holding a wolf by the ears; you don’t much like it, but you don’t dare let it go. You see the world differently. You are different, but you are not alone. Even though mental illness may seem like a perpetual curse at times, it is simultaneously a burden and a gift. Hang in there. And in the meantime, thank you for sharing your gift.

    Liked by 1 person

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