Today during my third group, I was able to come to a very enlightening discovery about myself.
For 45 minutes, we worked on our vicious flowers..
My intrusive belief was, “Isolation is better than seeking help.” Many of petals explained how isolating was a form of self harm in its own, etc. Then, at the the end of the exercise, the therapist called on each person to say aloud to the group one truth about themselves that they have been ignoring. When it was my turn, the following words fell from my lips:
I am worthy and deserving of recovery.
I kind of caught myself by surprise with this one. Wow…I’m worthy of happiness. I deserve peace. The entire day of processing had revolved around my own feelings of inadequacy; many times I have felt that I am the world’s punching bag. I don’t actually deserve happiness, but other people’s happiness depends on me.
Never have I really sat there and thought to recover my own self.
I’m doing better today. The suicidal thoughts have been pretty consistent lately. However, today I allowed myself to just feel shitty. If I didn’t feel like smiling, it was okay. And fuck, the groups are SO supportive. The amount of love and reach I have experienced over the past 4 days is absolutely incredible.
I do notice that I feel very split a lot of the time, and even my speech seems to not be able to keep up with my lips. This should go away, though.
On a last note, I am stressing over my disability insurance. I’m stressing about finances.