Tegretol and Ideation

Back to PHP I went.

I don’t even know where to begin with an update. It went well. I don’t remember driving to group. I signed in, had a little assessment, went to 3 groups. It was nice to be back. The therapist and social worker remembered me and welcomed me back. Everyone was just as sweet as they were when I left. New patients walk around freely, as I feel like a senior in high school; I know how everything works, which vending machine to avoid for the exploding sodas, so on and so forth.

I saw my therapist yesterday as well before she took off for a couple of weeks. I’ve gotta to say, she is the BEST therapist I’ve ever worked with. I’m so very fortunate to have her in my life. Completely. I don’t know how I would have come to the realizations that I have without her.

So, that was yesterday.

Today was a brand new day. I went to group, felt fuzzy like I had the day before. I met with my doctor. She asked me the usual questions, then mentioned something very serious: She said with the work that I’m doing now with my therapist, it may be an option for me in the near future to check in as inpatient, or even a resident. I think she is taking my opiate addiction and running with it a little… and my alcohol use. I don’t necessarily believe that I need inpatient treatment. I think I’m functioning, but I do need a little care I suppose.

She told me she is concerned about my eating habits. I guess I used to be concerned as well?

She also wants me to think about Tegretol. Has anyone used Tegretol? Did it help? It would be used (for me) to treat not only my bipolar disorder, but curb alcohol cravings. She also mentioned Vistaril, which I am interested in taking. I read up a little on Tegretol and it makes me a little nervous. I would rather take Lithium because I know for a fact it helps my swings and mood. However, she’s worried about my alcohol binging. I think I can control my binges with groups, etc.

Am I doing okay? I don’t know. I feel that I’m slipping. I feel apathetic. I feel… kind of lost, fuzzy, split, compartmentalized at times. I don’t feel all “myself” a lot. I’m scared of being alone because honestly, I’m very triggered to self harm. At least I’m being truthful with myself. I really, really, really want to harm myself and cut.

I feel very disconnected from my system.. very much like Rogue; she is isolated. Actually, I feel very much like Rogue.

I’ve met some really awesome people already. I’m glad to be getting help again. I hope that I can accept it. I feel very, undeserving and very sad right now. I feel a little bit like I’m wasting space.

It’ll be okay though.

Thank you for listening. You all have been such a great support system. I know we limited to letters on a screen, but honestly, I feel very loved here on WordPress.

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5 thoughts on “Tegretol and Ideation

  1. swtswtsue says:

    You feel loved because you ARE! And I’m getting the sense that you’re beginning to love yourself, too. Once again, I’m so very proud of you!!

    I wish I had advice about the meds, but like Andi said, you’re in good hands. Tell them your concerns. Sounds like they REALLY listen to you.

    You chose this path, all on your own. No one forced you to do it. Man, does that take courage! LOTS of it. You’re being brutally honest with yourself and facing your demons head-on. This is as tough as it gets… And you’re doing it.

    It might not happen today or tomorrow, but one day, I bet you’ll look back in awe of yourself. This really is that huge. You amaze me, girl. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      • swtswtsue says:

        Oh, man. Thanks. I was kinda nervous that I might have been a little annoying, hahaa! But I can’t help it – it’s part of who I am – and I don’t wanna censor that side of me anymore. Honestly, though, I’ve believed in you from day one. You’re right – you WILL get through it. ❤

        I hope you don't mind me posting this and taking up so much space, but it REALLY IS the shit! I have a feeling you probably know it inside out, but what's one more time, right? I'm convinced it's one of the best scenes in movie history, ha!

        Liked by 1 person

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