Pissing Standing Up

I’ve neglected you again, WordPress. I’m sorry.

It’s been a busy week. My girlfriend’s birthday was this past weekend! (Happy Birthday) We leave for San Francisco on Friday, which I’m pretty stoked about.

My grandmother is still in town, so it’s been nice spending time with her. I fell into a bit of a tough depression the weekend before. I have since told my therapist about my suicidal thoughts and such. It felt…relieving but also terrifying to discuss the intensity of my melancholia- the over-sleeping, purging, abstaining from food, the suicide letters. It dissipates, and it did, finally. I’ve been feeling much better. And thank you to those of you who showed a lot of support during that time. I really appreciate it.

In other news, tell me why I woke up this morning around 3 am, completely believing I was a man? A fully aware man. Who reached between his legs to adjust himself. I wish I could have remembered my name. I wasn’t dreaming either. I woke up, stood up, pissed – standing up- went back to sleep. When I actually woke up this morning, I was kind of, I don’t know, shocked I suppose to find that I’m actually female. I’ve had several dreams in which I was this same male. I remember exactly what I felt like, what I kind of looked like, etc. But THIS has never happened.

Also, at some point during my sleep, I had a dream about Senka, running around and giggling. She is so easily amused. Recently, I can feel parts of her when I’m laughing, if that makes sense. I begin to feel really young and vulnerable. Sometimes, the only way to make the feeling manageable is to rock myself or listen to toddler music. Then, I fall asleep, wake up and feel “myself” again.

PS- I created a new page, The Luna System, to help me map everyone out. Go ahead. Check it out. It’s nifty.

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5 thoughts on “Pissing Standing Up

  1. Andi says:

    Strange things like your man-dream seem to be part of the package with dissociation. So weird. I get that feeling a lot of feeling a Part stronger near/within me during certain moments. Especially younger parts.

    Like

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