Three Irish Car Bombs Later

Today is Monday. But it’s really Tuesday.

The weekend was wonderful. It was a perfect reset, complete with plenty of alcohol, music, friends, laughter…escape. I felt that three of us (although I’m not entirely sure which three?) were out and were able to just be happy and forget about everything else. We were enthralled with the idea of spending quality time with my girlfriend. Take me back..

I feel as if I haven’t written an entry in an entire year. Other than having a really great weekend, I am preparing myself for the next couple weeks. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I am a seasoned patient now of the mental health world. However, I don’t think I’m looking forward to the initial interview. The tell-me-about-your-past’s, the where-are-your-parents, suicide-attempts? If so, how many? When were they? Med compliant?

Thursday is my appointment with my therapist- and thank God for that. Last week, I was home alone. Unbeknownst to me, my cousin was dropping by the house to leave a computer he has been working on for my uncle to take back to New Mexico. At first, I didn’t know what to do or feel, etc. I let him in the house, even hugged him. I asked him how his kids were, how he was. It was a quick visit. Then, he left, as he’s left the house before. Keys jingling. The door went slam. His car ignition hummed and faded slowly into some distance. I was fine for a while, just stunned. As the sun began to set, the vampiric tenebrosity began to thread it’s wiry legs through my ribcage. Somewhere between late afternoon and 10pm, I found myself curled into a tight cluster on the floor of my old bedroom, saturated in my own tears, unsure if the tears were from the fact that he arrived, or the fact that he left me.

On another related note, there is a very, fucked up person from my past. This is the guy that decided to lead my gang rape 5 years ago. He messaged this past Friday with, “Hey.” I didn’t respond as I hadn’t really noticed that he had messaged me; I was well into my libation at that point. This morning, I was going through my notifications and saw his recent text. Then, I scrolled back in time through our old conversation:

I fucking hate men. Excuse me, some men. Not all.

Needless to say, I’m quite ready for my appointment this Thursday.

On a much lighter note, my girlfriend’s birthday is in 4 days, so that makes up for all of that nonsense.


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