This morning, they were talking amongst themselves about our upcoming therapy and psych appointment. Some of them want to come out and talk to my therapist and get moving. Somehow or another, they got on the topic of integration.
My therapist had first made integration a goal. She wants me to realize that Allie is a part of me that I can learn to adapt and take hold of. I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t feel that Allie or Goldie or anyone is ME. I am me.
On my way to work, in the midst of the chatter, Goldie spoke up to all of us. It seemed out of character for her, and it made me cry tears of love and happiness…
We are not integrating in the way that society, or our doctors want us to integrate. They’re telling us that we are one person, should be one person, should learn to assimilate all of these traits and become one unified entity. Well guess what? That’s not integration in my mind. I’m not leaving any of you behind. We are a system, we are a family. Whether we like it or not sometimes.
(Host’s birthname, for the sake of anonymity we will call her Lazarus) is no more original than Senka, in the same fashion that Allie is no more important than I. We are a system. I will not let us fall apart to some quackshit designated term of integration and unification. We will not leave Rogue behind when she needs us the most. We will not leave Senka alone when she is lost. We will not leave Lazarus to pick up the pieces when we’re terminated.
Fuck me if anyone gets in the way of our system. Help us. But know that we are US, realize that, and we will flourish.
They became quiet, each one of them. Then by some internal phenomenon, we all agreed on a name for our system: