Tell Me You’ve Gotten My Charts All Wrong

I came to a nervous realization last night. I preface this with a disclaimer- I’m not self diagnosing, nor am I trying to evaluate my own mind because lord knows I am not qualified. However, after researching DID, some key points and symptoms began standing out to me. The ground beneath me shook.

“…Other symptoms include voices heard, self alteration, derealization, depersonalization, flashbacks, trance, identity confusion, and awareness of other states. They also experience… voices arguing, voices commenting, thought withdrawal, thought insertion, made impulses, made feelings and made actions. Finally, these individuals with struggle with auditory hallucinations, which are not psychotic, but the symptoms imitate psychotic symptoms…”

The obvious question that immediately entered my mind was: What if I was misdiagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder? I suppose that doesn’t necessarily cover the paranoia, the visual hallucinations… it was just a thought. I have an appointment with a new doctor on July 1st.

A couple of hours before I fell asleep, the all-too-familiar suicidal thoughts began pervading my mind. However, this time, I didn’t feel that I MYSELF was suicidal. Yet, I still had the feelings. I’m unsure how to describe it.

Actually, early yesterday, I felt as if I was fighting myself just to stay here.

While we were sleeping, my girlfriend said that Senka kept coming out. I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned Senka on this blog or not. I’ll write about her later. She’s 5. That’s about all I know.

I’m going to talk to my therapist about seeing her more frequently. I feel as if I am on the threshold of making some kind of progress or breakthrough…


8 thoughts on “Tell Me You’ve Gotten My Charts All Wrong

  1. Heathers Helpers says:

    You very well may have been misdiagnosed especially when you introduce another personality. You are not just hearing voices, you are sensing another being. Your girlfriend is also able to tell the difference which is a very common DID Thing.
    I have DID and not Schizoaffective Disorder at all. Heaven knows that DID is wildly misdiagnosed for many people. I was diagnosed with Depression, then Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, Social phobias, agoraphobia, paranoia, Borderline Personality, High functioning autism, Schizophrenia and I may have missed a few. It was only when I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and DID that my life began to fall in to place and make sense. I am now actually improving rather than sinking further.
    Also, I have DID AND visual hallucinations AND paranoia. That said? Once I started to know who these other feelings belonged to, I got less and less paranoid.
    I hope that if nothing else, that professionals take your query seriously and at least explain to you why they feel the way that they do. Maybe they can point out certain qualities that make them shift their thoughts one way or another.
    As for someone else feeling suicidal. If you feel that way? Go with it. Acknowledge that there may be someone inside that need to be heard and offer to help them. Ask them to help lead you towards ways that could help by leaving pictures, notes, or trying to share the thoughts with you. I leave a journal open for my Helpers at all times to write, draw, tell me they hate me, tell me to do a million things. I do not follow this book like it is instructions but rather a look in to what they really need. It helps.
    Good luck at your appt.!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Andi says:

    I was misdiagnosed with a TON of stuff before I got the DID diagnosis, psychosis and schizophrenia included. It mimics other disorders and is easily missed if you’re not specifically looking for it. Definitely worth looking into some more.

    Liked by 1 person

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