I came to a nervous realization last night. I preface this with a disclaimer- I’m not self diagnosing, nor am I trying to evaluate my own mind because lord knows I am not qualified. However, after researching DID, some key points and symptoms began standing out to me. The ground beneath me shook.
“…Other symptoms include voices heard, self alteration, derealization, depersonalization, flashbacks, trance, identity confusion, and awareness of other states. They also experience… voices arguing, voices commenting, thought withdrawal, thought insertion, made impulses, made feelings and made actions. Finally, these individuals with struggle with auditory hallucinations, which are not psychotic, but the symptoms imitate psychotic symptoms…”
The obvious question that immediately entered my mind was: What if I was misdiagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder? I suppose that doesn’t necessarily cover the paranoia, the visual hallucinations… it was just a thought. I have an appointment with a new doctor on July 1st.
A couple of hours before I fell asleep, the all-too-familiar suicidal thoughts began pervading my mind. However, this time, I didn’t feel that I MYSELF was suicidal. Yet, I still had the feelings. I’m unsure how to describe it.
Actually, early yesterday, I felt as if I was fighting myself just to stay here.
While we were sleeping, my girlfriend said that Senka kept coming out. I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned Senka on this blog or not. I’ll write about her later. She’s 5. That’s about all I know.
I’m going to talk to my therapist about seeing her more frequently. I feel as if I am on the threshold of making some kind of progress or breakthrough…