I meant to write this past weekend but found little time to sit and type!
The therapy session went well. My girlfriend came along and was able to give my therapist a lot of insight as to the others- a lot more insight than I expected her to give. I found myself becoming very uncomfortable at the descriptions she gave of Rogue, recanting violent acts, punches and harsh words. Some mental fog consumed me and I was enveloped in thick, muddy time, listening to my girlfriend converse back and forth about my dissociation. Allie sat to my left, patting my knee, telling me to relax. All the while, Rogue stirred beneath my ribs. I could feel my eyes almost dilate.
My therapist recommended that I communicate with Rogue, perhaps through writing. I don’t even know where to begin.
After the session, I felt very detached from reality. I could hear R in the background, “Now you really did it. You fucked up.”
I went home, paced nervously around the house, walking over the carpet spaces in which I was taken advantage of. I downed a beer, two, three. My cousin came home with his friends. I retreated into my bedroom with Allie and I cried into my pillow. The walls were closing in on me. Dee said I should get out of the house. Somewhere in between my melt down and sticking my keys in the ignition of my car, I had gotten ready and left my house. I met up with a good friend of mine/coworker for a drink. The space made me relax more. I was able to forget about R.
Good conversation, good drinks, good music. My girlfriend met us later at the bar, looking absolutely stunning as she had just come from a family quinceañera.
More conversation, more drinks, more music.
At the end of the night, my girlfriend and I had gotten into a small argument, which I can’t blame her for. We had been at the bar with another friend, who so happens to have a coke habit. We had gone into the stall together. She asked me if I wanted a bump. I said no. I held my hand out as a table as she did took a line. Another line. I wanted it, it was so close to me. But I thought to myself, “I’m not going to waste my sobriety and I’m not going to hurt my girlfriend.” She put the coke away.
Moments later, my girlfriend walked into the restroom with us. I guess I looked suspicious, or so she said. When we got in the car to drive home, she spun around and said, “Really? One night and you’re already snorting coke?”
Like I said, I can’t blame her. I was a desperate junkie not too long ago. I think I was just upset because A) I had been proud of myself and I was excited to tell her, “Babe! Guess what!! I was strong and I didn’t do it!”
B) I hadn’t taken my meds that night and I was feeling it.
The next morning everything was fine. She asked me again to reassure her. I did. We made up and went to the dog beach with my little ones. I think we both needed the sun and sand. The weekend ended off with homemade tie-dye shirts.
On a completely separate note, Ramadan begins next Thursday. I wanted to begin a week early. Unfortunately, I did not set an alarm for Morning Prayer- Fajr- today, but I did make up the prayer when I woke up. I will be fasting this week. God willing he will rope me closer to him, to myself, to love and to general patience this month. I need faith again.