I don’t necessarily like labeling myself. Sure, I like to identify with other people in particular groups for the sense of connection and community. Overall though, I’m not one to exclusively call myself as “BLAH” because I feel that I stretch so far from any box I could ever be compacted into..
Specifically, I never really classified my sexual preference under a permanent category. I came out in 2007(?) to my family as gay. After the fiasco of disclosing my orientation, I wasn’t comfortable with an official title for some reason or another. So, to my friends and everyone else, I was bisexual. I was fine with that. I had some boyfriends after high school, as well as some girl relationships.
I look back on those years frequently with an open heart and mind, delving into my thought processes for each of the hetero relationships. Deep in my heart, I wasn’t attracted to these guys below the belt. I was attracted to either one of two things: A) The fact that they weren’t dicks to me and they were good people, despite the fact that I could never fully become aroused sexually. In which case, there are only two men in my life that I appreciate and have learned from or B) The drugs they had to offer to me.
Many times, the drug wasn’t a substance; instead, the drug displayed itself as sexual triggers from my rape. I was a glutton for pain and self destruction. I would then surround myself with predators and men that would unknowingly participate in my psychological demise.
I’ve always been attracted to women. Always.
I suppose the point of this entry is just to say that I am most certainly a lesbian. I feel so much more…liberated now that I’ve fully been able to explore my sexuality further. I have quietly come to accept this and celebrate my final realization. This is one more step to integrating, to personal happiness, and to my own truth. No more lies, experiments, guilty feelings, no more debate with my heart and brain. They’ve settled down and have made peace.
*throws herself a coming out party*