When My Mother Bailed Her Abusive Husband Out of Jail

I called my mom yesterday. Charlie, her husband, answered the phone to my surprise. Charlie has been in jail on a domestic abuse charge and possession of marijuana. It’s a miracle he didn’t have crack or meth on his person..

So, he answered the phone, I stumbled a bit, then I asked him if my mom was there. He told me to hang on. My mom came to phone and answered very monotonously, “Hello…who is this?”

She has never asked me who I am. She knows my voice. Not only that, but she always perks up when she hears my voice. 

I told her it was me. She said, “Oh…hi. What’s goin on?” As if I was bothering her, as if I didn’t matter. Her speech was slow and distracted. I could hear Charlie in the background. I asked her several times, “Why do you sound like that? Are you high?” No answer. We got off the phone.

A few hours later, I was driving home and she gave me a call. She apologized for earlier and she said she couldn’t talk because Charlie was breathing down her neck. She admitted to popping opiates, hence her grogginess. I asked her how and why Charlie has been out. “I helped with this bail,” she explained. 

My mom lives in the south. She is currently holding residence in a small Travel Lodge room. Her income is $2.70/hour. She lives off of an allotment of $40 worth of food stamps. How in Christ’s name could she afford a contribution towards his bail?

“This is our year, babe.” My mom has continually reassured me that this is the year we meet. Her soul cannot bare to be without having me another year. In the beginning of year, she created a secret stash of money dedicated to our reunion. 

My mother spent all of her savings to bail out her ex convict husband. This same husband that controls her communication, her money, her schedule, her transportation. This same husband that has supplied her with heroin and crack after she spent countless years in rehab. This same husband that calls her a fat bitch and slaps her across the face.

How can it be that this same monster of a man takes precedence over her daughter that DESPITE feeling abandoned for 23 years of her life STILL forgives her and accepts all of her??? 

I feel so goddamn stupid for having faith in her in the first place. I understand she has her own battles. She is a codependent addict with C-PTSD. I’ve been understanding. But what about me? I just want my mom. Even if she’s in the south and I can only call her and talk to her. Which in itself is a challenge not only because of the fact that she’s literally across the country, but because she doesn’t remember the majority of things that I tell her. Years of drug use has impaired her memory. I feel almost as if there is no point discussing the complex and convoluted parts of my life. God knows I’ve been doing it anyways.

I am hurt. I feel small. She is choosing drugs over me, her only child. If you have been reconnected with your child after 21 years, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to reunite? Am I thinking too irrationally? 

This also makes me ponder the idea of my own prognosis in terms of addiction. I hope to never become so torn down and tethered by drugs and alcohol. 

GOD I am so incredibly angry and hurt. 

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9 thoughts on “When My Mother Bailed Her Abusive Husband Out of Jail

  1. anxietybug88 says:

    Addiction is incredibly hard to overcome and can make people do crazy things. That doesn’t make her blameless, though. She has the choice whether to give in or not. It takes a strong person to overcome drug addiction, but there is always a conscious choice. I’m very sorry that this happened to you. Just celebrate your own victory of overcoming addiction, knowing that you made it through, so it is possible for your mother. But she has to come to terms with it on her own. You can only try to help her.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. loricarlson66 says:

    I am so sorry you are still going through this with your mother. I have to admit when I read that you two might meet soon, I had serious doubts. You are recovering and it sounds like your mom isn’t strong enough to join you in that recovery. Perhaps she is too ashamed and therefore keeps reverting back to her old life. Please don’t give up on your own recovery! And please don’t let your mother’s actions make you feel less than the great woman you are.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. kbailey374 says:

    It’s the old empty well syndrome. We keep going back to it hoping, and thinking, that there will be water in it. But we dump that bucket in, down, down it goes, and we are sooo thirsty – but the bucket comes up empty, time after time. I don’t know what it is but that’s what we do. We can almost sense, too, when we go elsewhere for water, the wells that will be dry. The job, or the significant other … The smell of a dry well just seems to attract us, I don’t know why. But here we are, still thirsting and still drawing from the same ole empty well. It sounds to me like you have learned to draw your water elsewhere, that’s good. To take care of yourself, to fill yourself, to find fresh wells full of goodness… You’re no longer dying of thirst. But it still hurts like hell when you find out that that one well’s still dry! It smelled like it had water in it! It even held out a little cup full of water… Here honey, see what I’ve got for you. What on earth is wrong with me, you think! But it’s not what’s wrong with you. 😦 It’s those damn wells. And you know it is possible that one of these times it will have water in it. But how many times do we go back … that’s the question I ask myself. How many times …

    Liked by 2 people

      • kbailey374 says:

        My pastor also pointed out the woman at the well story – the woman kept trying to get fulfilled by multiple marriages, as I have with different substances and relationships. With Jesus, I only have to visit the well once, for Living Water. I can’t say I am “cured” from all my looking elsewhere but I don’t get so invested in the other ways. Inevitably I go back to the source of Love, Jesus. He doesn’t disappoint like so many other things do. Now if I could quit testing that theory I’d be all set… xo

        Liked by 1 person

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