I was given an ill-fated deck of cards as a child. Although primitively jaded, I was still a conscious person; despite my heartrending situation, I knew that if I couldn’t find something to be happy about, I would surely disintegrate in the same fashion my father disintegrated.
My life particularly became more challenging the moment my body developed hormones. I became painfully aware of the fact that here I was, 12-years-old, parent-less. I give great gratitude to my grandparents for raising me, loving me, molding me. However, it may sound selfish or rude to say, they were never replacements for the biological parents I so yearned for.
I knew that it would be a chapter in my life that I needed to prepare for and overcome. As preteen me, I pulled myself by my straps and made a decision to make the best out of a really shitty situation. I gave happiness a shot, albeit difficult at times. Middle school came around strongly. At this specific point in my life, I was struggling with emotionally due to bullying about my sexuality, my home life, and my general mental health. My cousin became an anchor for me, a father for me.
I was a child who wanted nothing more than to be happy and survive. He took that urge away from me. Instead of trying to live, I was trying to destroy myself. He raped not only my body, but every other single raw insecurity in my soul.
I wish I could say that I know within me that it’s not my fault. As of right now, I can’t believe that. But I’m willing to try to forgive myself. I’m willing to one day find peace and the ability to pass off my pseudo-responsibility. As a first step, I would like to publicly announce that while I begin this journey, I will adopt this affirmation:
I love myself. No matter what happens, what memories come up, no matter how awful of a mistake I feel I’ve made, no matter my faults, failures, and fuck ups, I will love myself and instead focus on my triumphs.
I am grateful for my resilience, even though the majority of the time I only see my weakness. I am grateful for the few family members I have that have consistently shown me unconditional love. I am grateful for my job, for my friends, for the food on my desk, for the clothes on my skin. I am grateful for this blogging community. I am grateful for my therapy, for my medication, for my support group. I am grateful for my girlfriend, for her never-ending support, for her guidance, her attention, her love.
This healing process is daunting, painful, agonizing, and uncomfortable. I am thankful that I can look back on the child I was 11 years ago and reclaim my innate strength and genuine wonderment for the world around me.