When I Went Rogue

I woke up and the moon raped me. 

I was just dreaming about my girlfriend when I found myself kicking the air violently and swinging my fists. I had been dreaming that I was attending group therapy with my girlfriend and some man was interested in her. He had his arm around her shoulder and his other hand on my wrist to prevent me from throwing a punch. I fought him off.

I have been plagued these past hours with haunting memory of the past night. I had been driven to a breaking point somehow. Rogue came out. She is ruthless and violent. She hurt my girlfriend and she hurt me. I am tending to a bruised face now- my bruised face, from punching myself. 

  
I am terrified. I am terrified of being given up on. I am terrified at the idea that I physically inflicted pain on the woman I love. I am terrified that she has had enough and will leave me, alone with my alters and alone in the crux of my trauma recovery. I am terrified that I am toxic to her; I believe with all my heart and soul that I’m good for her, but this process may hurt her too much. 

I feel guilty for unleashing myself, for splaying out all of hidden trauma and anguish. How could I be so selfish to burden her with such heaviness? Why can’t I piece it together by myself?

A truck came flying at me, so to speak, and WHAM! I had been hit by flashbacks of when I was much younger. 5 years old. My cousin had been taking care of me and my aunts house. It was a Saturday. She was at work and we were home alone. I don’t remember much of the surrounding incident. What I do remember is him asking me to play a game with him… In which the end goal was to give him oral sex.

My body hurts. I am fighting a war within myself everyday specifically with these memories. 

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