Protecting My Perpetrator

I had a very difficult therapy session today.

The topic revolved around my cousin, my family, the house I’m staying in. I purged my recent thoughts and struggles regarding him. While I talked about him, I felt absolutely nothing. She asked me how I felt talking about it. I think I was feeling anger, but it would sink back down into my chest. I felt nothing. I was completely detached from it.

I recalled a moment today that stung me when I thought about it. My cousin’s primary “purpose” for spending so much time with me back then was to tutor me and help me pick my grades up. Not surprisingly, my grades plummeted even more so. My grandma had said to me, “How could you do this to him? He sacrifices so much time away from his wife and children for you! This is a slap in the face to him! You’re so ungrateful!”

In that moment with my grandmother, I remember feeling abandoned. I was angry, I felt betrayed, but I took the reprimand and protected my perpetrator.

And now the question that is haunting my heart is, “Why am I still paying for the crimes that he committed?”

Why am I, at 23 years of age, still protecting this person, still carrying HIS guilt, still not forgiving myself? I broke down in tears at work today as I mulled this quandary in my mind. I have to forgive myself. I have to love myself.

My therapist asked me, “When you stay in your old bedroom, what is that you remember?” I don’t know what hurts me more: remember the sexual acts that occurred, or remembering the aftereffect.. of him using the restroom to relieve himself while I crawled into my closet, shaking, and rocking back and forth. I feel so heartbroken for the girl that was attacked and couldn’t tell anyone or at the very least seek solace in another human being.

I couldn’t contain my feelings at work and I let them flow out of me. Dormant emotions of abandonment, betrayal, worthlessness, anger and fear came tumbling from some space within me.

I’m so angry at my family. I’m angry that they didn’t protect me. I’m hurt that they even questioned me. I’m so exhausted from carrying this around.

I’m sorry this post wasn’t better written; I just needed to get my thought process on paper.

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11 thoughts on “Protecting My Perpetrator

  1. kbailey374 says:

    You did fine. CLEAR AS A BELL. HUGs and I’m sorry. I understand – the secrets, the betrayal, the carrying of the guilt for what was done to US. We do not have to take it to our graves. We can be free from under it and have a happy life! WE don’t have to continue to pay.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. myambivalentexistence says:

    *hug*. There is no “better written”. You are expressing real and honest emotion and feeling. That is valid. You have put up so many defenses to protect others and keep the peace, but now you are considering how you feel. It wasn’t your job to protect them. They failed you, not the other way around. And I know that that hurts. Maybe even worse. You are very brave to put this out there. And you are helping others by being honest.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. aunttabbi says:

    My heart goes out to you. It has taken until I was 34 years old for me to admit that I was angry with my perpetrator. And then I had to deal with all the feelings that came with it. I wasn’t prepared for the floodgates that opened. I’ve been where you are. I’ll keep you in thought.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. sunsetdragon says:

    So well said and you expressed what most of us are feeling-well I can only speak for myself.
    I am 67 years old now and can live with what happened but I am still angry at people who expect me to act like it was a happy, healthy family.
    When my perp died and I took no part in his burial and many looked down on me, but in my own way I took back my power that he stole from me when I was a child.
    TY for sharing your feelings and I am grateful you are here to share your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. rudebw0y says:

    Even though you expect nothing in return you’re so brave for protecting them. I protect my perp all the time & the feeling is so sickening, I have become so used to the feeling, I am so sorry & ashamed

    Liked by 1 person

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