I wanted to delve a little further into something specifically that my doctor had mentioned yesterday. Part of the reason she diagnosed me with DDNOS is because of my previous decade’s involvement with the CoS- and she called it brainwashing.
She explained it this way: Throughout my youth, I compartmentalized myself due to constant trauma. Parts of myself have been frozen in time, for lack of a better term. When I got to Scientology, that was around the same time that I was molested. I’ve told you all before that I was made wrong when I was molested and *I* needed to apologize and make amends to my abuser (I was 12, he has 38). So, whilst in the church, as a coping mechanism, I pushed all of my hurt feelings and trauma way down and began to freeze portions of myself again.
Now that I’m in therapy, and now that I am in an environment where I can freely talk about my trauma and ACTUALLY get SUPPORT, I’m reliving these moments. I am unraveling. Not only that, but I was reprogrammed within the church. This totally makes sense to me.
Being in the Church of Scientology so devoutly for 10+years, I was a different person. They teach you to drop what makes you you. You are made to cut ties, a lot of the time you’re leaving your family, as I did mine. It is actually written in policy:
Hubbard writes in The Auditor, No. 9, 1965: “…the only slim chance this planet has rests on a few slim shoulders, overworked, underpaid and fought — the Scientologist.”
Below is an excerpt from the policy by LRH, Keeping Scientology Working. As Scientologists, we had this kept close to our hearts. Maybe after reading the words, you will understand a little bit more how they make you feel so important, so needed. I had a home. And I was taken advantage of.
I truly believed and had faith in this policy.
When somebody enrolls, consider he or she has joined up for the duration of the universe — never permit an “open-minded” approach. If they’re going to quit let them quit fast. If they enrolled, they’re aboard; and if they’re aboard, they’re here on the same terms as the rest of us — win or die in the attempt. Never let them be half-minded about being Scientologists. The finest organizations in history have been tough, dedicated organizations. Not one namby-pamby bunch of panty-waist dilettantes have ever made anything. It’s a tough universe. The social veneer makes it seem mild. But only the tigers survive — and even they have a hard time. We’ll survive because we are tough and are dedicated. When we do instruct somebody properly, he becomes more and more tiger. When we instruct half-mindedly and are afraid to offend, scared to enforce, we don’t make students into good Scientologists and that lets everybody down. When Mrs. Pattycake comes to us to be taught, turn that wandering doubt in her eye into a fixed, dedicated glare and she’ll win and we’ll all win. Humor her and we all die a little. The proper instruction attitude is “You’re here so you’re a Scientologist. Now we’re going to make you into an expert auditor no matter what happens, We’d rather have you dead than incapable.”
We’re not playing some minor game in Scientology. It isn’t cute or something to do for lack of something better.
The whole agonized future of this planet, every Man, Woman and Child on it, and your own destiny for the next endless trillions of years depend on what you do here and now with and in Scientology.
This is a deadly serious activity. And if we miss getting out of the trap now, we may never again have another chance.