DDNOS in a Church Pew

I drove to group this morning. Before I went, I stopped by my childhood church. I cried in the pew for a good 15 minutes, and begged God-whoever-s/he-is to please, please give me a break. I need a breather…
When I got to the hospital, I crawled in the backseat of my car and wept some more in a tight fetal position, while I stared off into the carpeting.
My two feeling words in group today were “detached, hopeless.” 10/10 depression, 7/10 anxiety. 10/10 craving to self harm. She sent me to visit with my doctor.
After speaking to my doctor for a long while, and based off of the information she’s been going over since my initial admittance, she diagnosed me with DDNOS, Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. (However, I guess my official diagnoses according the most recent DSM is PTSD Dissociative Subtype…?) She explained that I’ve been going through depersonalization/derealization. Part of the diagnoses, she said, is due to “brainwashing” by the CoS. They are going to help find a therapist that can help me with not only the schizoaffective symptoms, but the DDNOS as well. Trauma specialist.
Her explanation made sense to me. My immediate reaction is to research is, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe it’ll just add to my anxiety.
Overall, I’ve been feeling very out of my body. I feel like I’m in a movie constantly, or like I’m living in the moments before an atomic bomb goes off. It’s very unnerving.
Also, I was approved for 9 additional IOP days, so I’m going to need to request more days off of work. My primary care doctor refuses to write a letter for me on her letterhead, so I’m just going to have to give my job the letterhead from the hospital…


10 thoughts on “DDNOS in a Church Pew

  1. ladymigraine365 says:

    I am so glad you have a good system of care, and some supportive people in your life. You have been through some incredible trauma and I’m impressed you don’t spend ALL of your time in a fetal position. Hang in there, Lady Lazarus. You are loved.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. blahpolar says:

    Dang. Your dr is an asshole, and I wish your dissociation was pleasant. So sorry you’re going through such tough stuff … ladymigraine is right; you can hold your head high for surviving and for being such a lovely human being. Many would’ve lost humanity going through what you did.

    Is it bad that your post’s title made me think “pew pew pew!”?

    Gentle hugs for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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