Adjustments and Aggravations

I’m overwhelmed and I want to whine.

I feel that I am just a shell. I have nothing to offer to anyone, except for maybe a fake smile and an overly effusive, waxed-on, “I’m doing great!”

The world around me is bustling on, treading the pavements, jolting from point A to point B. Yet, here I am, sullenly floating between worlds. I am in juxtaposition to former, pre-medicated self. Unfortunately, at this point in time, I’d rather be her. I know, give the meds time to work. This is the adjustment period.

Well, fuck. Alright? Holy fuck. I can barely stand myself. I feel bad for the people around me. I am flittering and ricocheting through extreme moods. One second, I’m infuriated, the next, I’m hugging my knees in melancholy. It’s absurd.

I took a higher dose of Seroquel last night. Right before bedtime, I was making a snack in the kitchen, and it hit me like a truck. I felt my blood pressure drop, along with my body. I hit the kitchen counter on the way down. I woke up on the kitchen floor, drooling. Somehow, I managed to drag myself to the safety of my bed, where I continued said coma. The shitty thing is I had a nightmare last night. Usually, I’m able to wake myself up. But since the meds had me so damn sedated, I couldn’t get out of it. Terrifying dream.

Also, this morning, I began crying as I watched the cars drive by. I cried because none of them even knew I existed. I thought, “I’m going to die and none of these people even know I’m alive right now.” I cried for my existence, and for my inevitable non-existence.

I really do want to feel better. I want to be happy- wow, what a concept. In the thick of my med adjustments, I feel helpless, hopeless, alone, suicidal, addicted, urged to self harm, insane, angry, pissed, depressed, happy, elated, manic, embarrassed, scared, stressed, nauseated, jealous.
I’m jealous of those who don’t deal with mental illness, who can just go to work and actually function, who don’t have to take medication to just be alive.

Alright, I’m done. I’m holding on to the hope that the meds will work their magic in a couple of weeks.

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