On a Near Death Experience – Trigger- Suicide

End of the World by Skeeter Davis, on repeat. A bottle of whiskey, 1400 mg of Seroquel, a suicide note, and my collection of Sylvia Plath poems, opened to Lady Lazarus. Through tears of hopelessness and despair, I filled my dogs’ bowls with food, brushed my hair a bit, then sat down at the dining room table. I scooped up the handful of pills and stared at them long and hard. The music seemed to drone in the background of my mind.

I sat there and wept over the tiny white tablets, honestly contemplating, wondering if they would even do the job or send me into a quasi-coma.

I took a sip of whisky, shook it off, and put the tablets back in the bottle.

I think I scared myself. I really thought about it. I thought about the after effects…

I’m scared that I’ll need to be perpetually medicated in order to be happy. AH. I don’t know what I’m thinking.

I find solace with her. But please, God, please give me happy.


8 thoughts on “On a Near Death Experience – Trigger- Suicide

  1. hbhatnagar says:

    It is scary, looking at those pills and wondering if they’ll be able to kill you and how painful or painless that would be. Or if you’ll end up in the hospital, a vegetable hooked to innumerable tubes. I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. loricarlson66 says:

    Been there, tried that… took over a 1000 mgs of Seraquel… was later told at the ER that you cannot overdose on it. It will just make you sleep a long time… it did, even with the charcoal they made me drink at the hospital, I slept three days… woke up on a couch in a psych ward. I’ve been reading you all morning… my heart reaches out to you as I know what you are going through… check out today’s SHOWCASE that goes live at 3 pm EDT. I hope I’ve done you justice. Much love and blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

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