And, it’s over.
It’s been over for quite some time. But now, it’s really, officially, right-in-our-face over.
My ex/pseudo/boyfriend told me last night as I walked through the door with leftovers in my hand, “I’m done with us and I’m moving out next month.” At first, I didn’t feel a thing. I shrugged and asked if I could keep the sofa. He replied with the various reasons why he was done. “You’re too difficult and have become too much to handle…”
I have become too much to handle. Not only this, but the guy has valid points. I used to be the dream house wife, if you will. About a year ago, I stopped doing all of those things. I look inward and then I feel utter guilt. I know I vent a lot on here about the shitty things he’s told me, made me out to be. However, there are a lot of good things about his character. He has been there through all my frozen hells. It’s not him who is abandoning me. I’ve abandoned him. The relationship was going nowhere. I just didn’t have the guts to pull the plug last year when I knew it was over.
I cried over my pillow for what seemed like hours, lamenting over good months we had. Beach trips, hiking, camping, going to shows, bike riding through Downtown LA, getting our dogs, our rabbit, moving into our first apartment on Sunset, dance parties with his family by the pool, BBQing just for the hell of it, even our fights and screaming matches.
It’s over, though. He’s beginning to hold resentment towards me, he says. I don’t want that. I want him to be happy, ultimately. Deep down, I think I always knew that I wasn’t going to make him truly happy in the end. I’m chaotic and parasitic. Not trying to throw a pity party, but I can’t help but view myself that way. It takes a highly trained emotional surgeon to properly handle me (and not get burned in the process).
Anyways, we’ll see about logistics and all of that later…
I wish….oh God I wish….I could go to groups today. Alas, it’s overflown. I will be spending my morning at home. I should sleep some more. I surprise myself every now and then with how well I hold it together, considering the surrounding issues. Maybe it’s the meds.
My mom still hasn’t gotten back to me. I messaged her sister with, “Hi! How are you doing? Have you talked to my mom recently?” Nothing. I don’t know what else to do other than keep myself from panicking and just wait for her to contact me.
Even though last night was shitty, I have to turn this post around by discussing the good parts. The girl friend and I went out to dinner. That made up for the days combined. Being with her in general makes up for everything. Her smile alone fills my heart with all kinds of mushy rainbows and puppies- it’s all very gag-inducing for strangers. We’re so gay.
I think I’ll write another post in a while. Writing gets my mind off of everything.