The Farewell Series; When Your Mom Threatens Suicide

I don’t even know where to begin with this post, so I suppose I’ll start at the place that sucks ass the hardest.

A phone call from my mother today:
ME: Hello?
MOM: I…sweetheart…I just (drops phone)..I called to tell you….shut up ch-…honey…I want to say goodbye.
ME:….what are you talking about?
MOM: I don’t want to live anymore…I don’t want to live anymore…I want to kill myself…

I could tell she was high. She was in hysterics, slurring her speech, etc, etc.

At the moment, it didn’t upset me nearly as much as I would have thought. However, a few minutes later, I was in tears. The thoughts inside my head:

I don’t want to lose two parents to suicide. If she never gets better, does that mean there’s no hope for me? No one loves me. Even my own parents don’t want me. What’s wrong with me? Am I unloveable? 

So on and so forth. I’ve been in tears off and on about my dad and her all day.

On another note, my doctor was happy to hear that the meds are working in regards to the hallucinations. It’s been 4 days I think?) with none of them. My mood is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Mostly, I feel very depressed- so depressed that I cannot kick the suicidal ideation out of my head.

Well I’m just a bucket of fun, aren’t i??

My body is giving out due to the seroquel, so I’m going to go. Thanks for reading!

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9 thoughts on “The Farewell Series; When Your Mom Threatens Suicide

  1. blahpolar says:

    Hell’s bells 😦 what a shitty thing to deal with. Hectic. I can’t even begin to imagine the level of pain … obviously that entire phone call was grossly unfair on you; the threat, her being high … if it wasn’t all so close to you, and so potentially awful, and triggery as well, the kneejerk advice would be to firm up those boundaries etc etc. But she is your mother, and you lost your father. I’m so glad you took a sluroquel and I hope the sweet oblivion of sleep helps.

    I’m quite shocked at your mom. Well, extremely shocked, tbh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. blahpolar says:

    You know (intellectually at least), that none of it was/is because you are allegedly unlovable, right? Keep reminding yourself of that. I am pro things like assisted suicide in general, but I think that if someone brings a child into the world, they have a responsibility to do their utmost to stay in the world too. You want me to pop round to your mom’s place and slap her around with a medium sized fish for a while?

    You got help and support for it all?

    Hugs.

    Maaaan, humanity can be so very cuntly at times.

    This post needs a huge dislike button, I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed off I am on your behalf.

    I think my comments are longer than your post now :O

    Liked by 1 person

    • lazarusandlithium says:

      I enjoy the long comments! Thank you!

      I have to remember to repeat positive affirmations to myself. I mean, I’ve been myself. I know that suicide, depression, etc has nothing to do with anyone else and it’s an internal fight. It’s just too close to home, is all. Then my mind starts going ad going and going…. yikes!

      Could you please slap her with said fish? I’ll provide the bass.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kbailey374 says:

    dislike.

    I can’t imagine hearing that from a parent never mind surviving the act by another. I’m so sorry … you are doing great, keep the focus on yourself, because there’s not much you can do for her, other than let her know you love her.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ladymigraine365 says:

    I feel like my response was so typical “normal,” especially for a new reader, and I want to apologize. I hate the “buck up,” and “It’s always darkest before the dawn” types of comments and I’m sorry if I sounded that way. Sometimes for me, when I’m on day 3 of a migraine or last weekend when I was paralyzed by depression, the only thing that helps me is the mantra / maxim that nothing lasts forever. Your intense feelings from the extremely unfair phone call will dissipate into something you can figure out and handle. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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