I don’t even know where to begin with this post, so I suppose I’ll start at the place that sucks ass the hardest.
A phone call from my mother today:
MOM: I…sweetheart…I just (drops phone)..I called to tell you….shut up ch-…honey…I want to say goodbye.
ME:….what are you talking about?
MOM: I don’t want to live anymore…I don’t want to live anymore…I want to kill myself…
I could tell she was high. She was in hysterics, slurring her speech, etc, etc.
At the moment, it didn’t upset me nearly as much as I would have thought. However, a few minutes later, I was in tears. The thoughts inside my head:
I don’t want to lose two parents to suicide. If she never gets better, does that mean there’s no hope for me? No one loves me. Even my own parents don’t want me. What’s wrong with me? Am I unloveable?
So on and so forth. I’ve been in tears off and on about my dad and her all day.
On another note, my doctor was happy to hear that the meds are working in regards to the hallucinations. It’s been 4 days I think?) with none of them. My mood is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Mostly, I feel very depressed- so depressed that I cannot kick the suicidal ideation out of my head.
Well I’m just a bucket of fun, aren’t i??
My body is giving out due to the seroquel, so I’m going to go. Thanks for reading!