I need help.
What the actual fuck is wrong with me. I thought the lithium would help me with the depression. I know this is only the….second? Third week? But fuck, this HURTS. This actually is physically painful.
I’m sitting here thinking of ways to tell everyone goodbye. I’m thinking of the arduous letter I’d write- which I’ve started already. Then, it seems rude to clump everyone together in ONE goodbye letter. So, I began several individual ones….
But I can’t leave her behind. I can’t leave anyone behind, because how awful would they feel.
I’m so whiny.
I feel like I’m clinging on to life again. Like something completely fucking terrible is about to happen and I’m going to be ripped from this life, suddenly, abruptly.
I want to be with her right now, in her arms where I know I’m safe. I mean, I’m actually terrified. I’m scared of myself; fearful of the destructive capability I have.
I’m so SICK of this disease, this addiction. You’d think the opiates would have calmed me down like they used to. Now, I feel frightened for my own mortality, my sanity.
I want to feel loved. I want to love myself. I’m tired of feeling like I’m barely breathing.