I reached my psychotic point yesterday after my last post.
Morris came back.
I think I was just really scared. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I heard or what happened from the time I grabbed the scissors to when she arrived panic-stricken to my apartment and pulled me out of the bath water. My wrists, legs, and some of my chest are cut. All I could hear him say is how much of a failure I was because I didn’t cut deep enough. They’re just casual scratches, even though they hurt pretty bad.
I wanted to kill myself yesterday. Not just because I was unbearably sad, but because I was driven so mad by Morris, by the voices, by the hallucinations in front of my face. I felt like I was a different person completely. It carried on through the night. I woke up somewhere around midnight. She slept peacefully next to me, guarding me, ready to hold me if I let a whimper of uncomfortableness out. I laid there next to her, and stared at my wrists in the dim light of the bedroom. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep worrying people around me? What’s wrong with me?
My boyfriend called me last night and wondered if I even wanted him to come back home. He was frustrated because my voice was monotone and indifferent. I was frustrated because I didn’t know how to make myself sound livelier, or at least sound like I cared more. I feel like such a bitch. I told him I was just going through a hard mental time, I’m depressed, I’m on self-destruct mode. When he does come home, he’ll have a field day with the cuts on my body. If there’s one thing he can’t handle and won’t stand for, it’s self-mutilation. He’s told me that multiple times before. I guess I understand. However, now I feel like a scared puppy who unknowingly ripped apart my person’s favorite shoes….teeth-grindingly awaiting his return, the newspaper WHAM against my guilty nose.
I suppose I feel better today. Although, the pangs of hopelessness, self-hatred and worthlessness are ever present, kicking around like preschoolers in the community pool, screaming and mocking my February 22nd existence.