Morris- Reader’s Discretion Advised

I reached my psychotic point yesterday after my last post.

Morris came back.

I think I was just really scared. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I heard or what happened from the time I grabbed the scissors to when she arrived panic-stricken to my apartment and pulled me out of the bath water. My wrists, legs, and some of my chest are cut. All I could hear him say is how much of a failure I was because I didn’t cut deep enough. They’re just casual scratches, even though they hurt pretty bad.

I wanted to kill myself yesterday. Not just because I was unbearably sad, but because I was driven so mad by Morris, by the voices, by the hallucinations in front of my face. I felt like I was a different person completely. It carried on through the night. I woke up somewhere around midnight. She slept peacefully next to me, guarding me, ready to hold me if I let a whimper of uncomfortableness out. I laid there next to her, and stared at my wrists in the dim light of the bedroom. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep worrying people around me? What’s wrong with me?

My boyfriend called me last night and wondered if I even wanted him to come back home. He was frustrated because my voice was monotone and indifferent. I was frustrated because I didn’t know how to make myself sound livelier, or at least sound like I cared more. I feel like such a bitch. I told him I was just going through a hard mental time, I’m depressed, I’m on self-destruct mode. When he does come home, he’ll have a field day with the cuts on my body. If there’s one thing he can’t handle and won’t stand for, it’s self-mutilation. He’s told me that multiple times before. I guess I understand. However, now I feel like a scared puppy who unknowingly ripped apart my person’s favorite shoes….teeth-grindingly awaiting his return, the newspaper WHAM against my guilty nose.

I suppose I feel better today. Although, the pangs of hopelessness, self-hatred and worthlessness are ever present, kicking around like preschoolers in the community pool, screaming and mocking my February 22nd existence.

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4 thoughts on “Morris- Reader’s Discretion Advised

  1. kbailey374 says:

    and I don’t know about you but I feel SO unlovable when my symptoms have kicked in. So the thought that he’d want me anyway seems unlikely – which aggravates the symptoms even more. All we can do for that is the healthy things that will help us get “ourselves” back, even if that means hospitalization – but support, definitely (ha, the last thing I want to do 😦 ) I’m so sorry you are struggling … How do you get rid of Morris? Can you take a med or something? (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lazarusandlithium says:

    *hugs back* In the past, I’ve gotten rid of him after hospitalization. I’ve never really been able to handle him on my own. I shall try! I’m too scared to go to a hospital, even though I know deep down that I need to go get help.

    Like

  3. touchofdepression says:

    My first trip to the hospital wasn’t that long ago, and I don’t want to go back any time soon. In fact, I don’t want to go back ever…..but, I hope I have the strength to go if the time comes again. I know you have the strength because of how strong you must be to get through your day. You only need a tiny fraction of that strength to go to the hospital. Let them help you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Kayla says:

    I know how that feels. But I have to say, you need to get some help. It may be hard to get some, but if it makes Morris go away, do it. It’s worth it.

    If you need me, comment on any of my posts. I’ll reply as fast as I can, alright?

    Liked by 1 person

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