Reunion

To be honest, I feel like I had my stomach ripped out this morning. I HATE writing about this. I HATE even THINKING about this  I feel selfish and ugly.

My cousin announced her pregnancy yesterday to the family. While I truly am happy for her, my selfishness and jealousy is definitely clawing through to my surface.

3 miscarriages later, I feel like a failure as a woman, as a mother. I know it’s my fault, due to heavy drug abuse, not taking care of myself….etc. Even the word pregnancy gets to me. Gah. I’m sorry. I hate being selfish like that.

I just can’t help it. It breaks my heart.

I wrote this during my second MC:

look at you, grapeblue.
all my past beating through.
i remember that September
where all I breathed were fumes.

it seems as though we
could have made history,
you and i-

my hips know the feeling.
once before I’ve managed this.
for once, let me appreciate
these fluted floors.

my pride abates.
i could have saved you
for all your worth.
for all your birth.

They can take you away.
the lunar light above me
shows no grace.

my bones assemble.
somehow, i rise.
and i suppose you could say
it made me sad

to leave you in the
spinning surge-
that almost sacred space.

when i returned,
he stood there, eyes turning,
unbelieving in the red young.

for nights, i swear, i tried
to remember you.
a palpatory reunion.

for now i hope you roam
with wild angels and moons.
don’t let them forget you.

And because I’m a glutton for a pain, this song makes my heart weep

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