I just feel like writing, writing, writing, writing….
20. Do you consider yourself creative? How do you express that? What piece of work (or whatever is applicable) are you most proud of?
I definitely consider myself creative. Besides writing, I enjoy playing guitar, singing, drawing, art in general. I am most proud of my writing, specifically poetry. Although, my journaling and essays are getting better as I stick with it.
21. Are you content with it being called bipolar affective disorder, or would you rather revert to manic depression, or rename it completely? Why?
I never really cared for the term bipolar. I’ve referred to it as manic depression- mostly, at least for me, once I was diagnosed, I related to the term manic depression more. Bipolar didn’t really seem to fit. Manic depression makes sense to me and I feel that it would make sense to a layman. Bipolar…I can’t even picture what it would look like. Penguins? Snow…?
How funny, I was just talking to my girl friend about this… It’s hard to say which one was worse for me. Lithium was probably worse, physically speaking. Dry mouth, nausea, skin flush, dizziness, fatigue, the whole deal. Not to mention the over whelming aggression, the need to punch walls and trigger-happiness.
Lorazepam had a much different trip to it. I hallucinated a LOT, had insomnia, lost my memory…although I’m sure a lot of that had to do with drug abuse and reliance on inhalants. I had some pretty major suicidal tendencies whilst on the medication. I wanted so badly to find a way to die.
23. Why do you blog about bipolar?
I first began blogging about it as an outlet. I needed some space to write down my thoughts and experiences through a mental health crises. I also wanted to gain feedback from fellow bloggers and possibly make some friends on WordPress. Since being re-diagnosed as schizoaffective, I’ve learned a great deal about what that entails and have been able to read other people’s experiences with the disorder.
25. What state are you in right now, when did it start and what are your goals and hopes about it?
I’m going through a depressive state right now. It started somewhere in June of 2014. Nothing necessarily triggered me, per say. I just remember right at the beginning of summer, it hit me hard and it hasn’t gone away. For a minute it just felt like one thing after the other. Until, finally, everything piled up on me. I don’t have any goals nor hopes about it right now. It’s shitty. I just don’t know what else I can do about it. Some days are “alright,” but for the most part, fuck it’s hard waking up in the morning.
I think I hide it well. I’ve said that before but I give myself a pat on the back for it. I’m so well known for being bubbly and happy.
26. How do you see your future beyond the state you are in currently?
To be honest, I can’t really see the future beyond. I’m sad. I can’t see the “light at the end of the tunnel” as of yet.
27. What do you see as the most important thing in your treatment regime, and why?
I haven’t truly started a treatment regime as of yet. For now, what I know helps is communicating. Whether it be word vomiting on this blog to you fine people, or communicating my feelings to my girl friend, it helps me. I just want to feel understood. I want to know that I’m not batshit.
28. To what extent do you tell people that you’re bipolar, and why?
Well, I don’t. I try not to. There have been a couple exceptions, but for the most part, I don’t say anything. I don’t want to be associated negatively with a disorder. Not that I’m necessarily ashamed, maybe a little bit… I want to be viewed at first like my own person. Not labeled.
Also, since the new diagnoses, I haven’t told anyone except the few people that already new I was seeking help for my mental health.
29. Of all the famous people (dead and alive) who are allegedly bipolar, who would you pick as your favourite, and why?
These three women: Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Virginia Woolf. They have all motivated me to become a poet, specifically Plath. Their lives amaze me in their own individual ways. All of them. Their genius minds amaze me. They were powerful women with fire lit beneath me. I find morbid beauty in the fire burning out; each of them died by suicide. Perhaps I shouldn’t find admiration in that, but I do.
30. What meds are you on now? Have you found your ‘magic cocktail’?
I’m not on meds, yet.
31. Have you attempted suicide? What, when, why, how and what did you learn?
Yes. Twice. 2006 and 2010. Slit wrists, and failed OD.
If I really think about it… it’s crazy. I almost killed myself. That happened.
What did I learn… to try harder next time?
Sorry. What did I learn? That we are all fighting our own battles and each of us deserve to be loved.