Oh, here comes the word vomit.
I’m so frustrated. I’m so done with my intense emotions right now (I can also thank PMS for giving me such a hot temper).
Disclaimer- I know I often vent about my boyfriend not understanding me. He is an incredible guy. He’s been with me through a lot of shit…but god dammit he just doesn’t understand mental issues.
We argued last night after I had a mini freak out moment and yelled at the top of my lungs for a really dumb reason. I was upset because I felt like the second we pulled into the driveway after work, I felt like I was going into a prison. I had a really hard day at work. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t even write, my hands were so shaky. I wanted to talk to him, tell him about my day, I wanted to cry and just let it go to move on. When I did tell him, he said, “Okay…well, that’s going to happen. It’s going to be like this everyday with you.” Broken.
He is frustrated, too. He doesn’t know when and if I’ll get better. He can’t understand why I seemed okay last year but this year it’s nonstop depression. This misunderstanding between us and miscommunication is eating away at our threads. I don’t know what else to do to help him understand. I tell him to educate himself, but “what good will that do? It won’t cure” me. “I know already. You have clinical depression with…hallucinogenic…”
SCHIZOAFFECTIVE. It has a name!
He said, “Why don’t you go on meds?” So, I told him that I was planning on going back (I have an appt on Monday) and start the ball rolling again. However, he may have to buckle his seat belts and bear with me. Getting on medication isn’t a fucking trip through the daisies, as I’m sure many of you are well aware. He exhaled deeply and said, “I’m not in the mood to go on another roller coaster with you.”
Then WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING DO?! He wants me to fucking be better overnight. Why THE FUCK can’t he see that I don’t know how to fucking do that?
He says to me, “You’re like a switch. One day you’re fine, then the next you’re not. You change on me too often.” No shit. God help us I don’t know what else to do.
He wants stability. He wants something and someone static. I told him I’m a sporadic person. He says, “Then go be sporadic somewhere else.” He was angry. But the words still hurt.
Then I’m left thinking, is this it? Will I always be like this? I’ve ruined so many fucking relationships and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I am so upset.
He even said I was doing it for attention. All these motherfucking years. Yeah? Would I attempt suicide for attention? I’d lose my entire family for attention? What the fuck….
My friends, I am so beyond exhausted fighting with him and myself. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired I’m tired I’m fucking tired.
We did make up. He apologized. Yippie.