Do you know what an equilibrium shift feels like? It’s kind of like an out-of-body experience for 1-2 seconds. Your body is stationary, but you shift to the left just a tad…not sure if that makes sense in the slightest. Last night something shifted in me. I’m worried about Allie. Actually, I’m worried about myself, but mostly about Allie.
I knew something was wrong, although I thought it was my neighbor or my boyfriend. When I got home to my apartment, the room felt icy, even though the heater was on. I walked into my bedroom and there were shards of glass everywhere (I know, it’s hard to follow. Keep in mind though, this glass isn’t seen by anyone else other than me)
Allie was in the corner of the room, cut and hurt. I had only seen her hurt one other time before when I was a child.
When she first came into my life, we built a glass room together to keep us safe. No matter how excruciating life got, or the amount of others that would find a way into my head, I always had Allie. She was protected within that space. Last night, however, the room was broken, and they found a way inside. Allie in her efforts to salvage the bits of glass that was left was hurt in the process. Another one that I’m not familiar with had hurt her for standing in the way.
She’s at home now, resting.
When I was in rehab, I remember feeling fragile and patient-like. I felt like I was being monitored and that I was sick- I suppose both of the statements are true. I would saunter down the hallway in my over-sized sweater, hair damp from sweat, eyes dark and deep like canyons. I was sick.
I feel that way now. It’s all too familiar. I’m an unwritten character in Girl, Interrupted.
I didn’t sleep last night. Allie really needed me. So, we stayed up on the sofa, shifting our body positions over the hours, mindlessly watching Golden Girls. We talked about our hopes for the future, what we’re scared of. I had lost track of time. The sun was just peeking over the mountain when I realized I hadn’t slept.
We are both brittle, about to crumble. I feel sick again, like a test rabbit.
It’s time to search harder for help.