My memory is slowly fading from last night. What I can remember is profusely crying, shaking, panicking over hearing M’s voice nearby. I was thrown into a state of insanity. My boyfriend put me to bed and told me that I had gone outside, ambling around. I could feel M creeping closer to me and I began to see his shadow pass by me.
I took a shot of whiskey to calm my nerves and fall asleep. Somewhere between sleep and alertness, I had seen a woman fall from the roof of the apartment building next to us, with a noose around her neck. She disappeared into the thick fog.
Had I been sleeping?
My boyfriend says I look like a totally different person- possessed.
(There was a grim point in my life where the psychosis truly took over me in every way. I hardly remember the details, but my boyfriend will recount days of when I really acted as if someone had possessed me. I had a foreign look in my eyes, a different voice, a more evil smile. One night, during an episode, he tried to restrain me and I had thrown him into my bedroom wall, busting a hole in it. Just for the visual, I’m 100 lbs. He’s 280 lbs.)
I feel different. I am bumbling around reality and some fictional world. My body feels off. I don’t even think I would answer to my own name today.