Toska

My memory is slowly fading from last night. What I can remember is profusely crying, shaking, panicking over hearing M’s voice nearby. I was thrown into a state of insanity. My boyfriend put me to bed and told me that I had gone outside, ambling around. I could feel M creeping closer to me and I began to see his shadow pass by me.

I took a shot of whiskey to calm my nerves and fall asleep. Somewhere between sleep and alertness, I had seen a woman fall from the roof of the apartment building next to us, with a noose around her neck. She disappeared into the thick fog.

Had I been sleeping?

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My boyfriend says I look like a totally different person- possessed.

(There was a grim point in my life where the psychosis truly took over me in every way. I hardly remember the details, but my boyfriend will recount days of when I really acted as if someone had possessed me. I had a foreign look in my eyes, a different voice, a more evil smile. One night, during an episode, he tried to restrain me and I had thrown him into my bedroom wall, busting a hole in it. Just for the visual, I’m 100 lbs. He’s 280 lbs.)

I feel different. I am bumbling around reality and some fictional world. My body feels off. I don’t even think I would answer to my own name today.

-SJ

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3 thoughts on “Toska

  1. worrymesilly says:

    How frightening! I hope you are seeing the Doctor, our family knows this type of event very well. Our daughter has explained it as an evil spirit possessing her body – and yes she has a different look about her too. It sucks the energy right out of you not to mention your life.

    Wishing calm and peace and for this wild ride to be done for you.

    Like

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