Medicine Cabinets; the Elusive Psychiatrists Edition

Psychiatrists are elusive.

I tried to contact the referral psych I’ve been mentioning. All of his numbers are disconnected. I called another recommendation that my insurance gave me, and that doctor isn’t qualified for my Glitter Rainbow Imagination…I did some research and called another one that did specify in schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia. However, now he stopped taking my insurance. Why is this so difficult? I’m even trying to find support groups.

Well, yesterday was fantastic. Little to no issues.

This morning, however, I was abruptly woken up to a new voice I’ve never heard before and he said, “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

I promptly threw the covers off of me, stumbled to the restroom, flung the medicine cabinet open and grabbed the bottles of pills. I don’t know what was going through my thought process. I just kind of stood there as he spoke to me, clutching the plastic tightly. My body was shaking. I remember thinking that I looked insane. It’s as if someone else was operating my body. I felt like I wanted to reach inside of myself and rip my skin to shreds. I know that’s an awful visual… Then, I went numb, standing there, staring at the water faucet, The voice was laughing at me.

My dog sprawled her body across my feet and I snapped out of it. I tried to wake my boyfriend up to tell him that I didn’t feel safe. I was unsuccessful. The doorway looked dark and eerie to the living room. I crawled back into bed and it grew louder. I tried to calm myself down. I hate being woken up like that. It’s one thing to be awake and to feel it coming. At least I can prevent it somehow. I can help myself. But when I’m woken up, I’m thrown into a panicked battle arena. I can’t find a weapon quick enough.

As of right now, I’m doing better. It stopped and now it’s quiet.

It’s gloomy and rainy outside. My favorite weather.

-SJ

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