Unpacking My Suitcase- Shirts and All

In the words of my former 2009 self, “I feel that I am drifting again. Here it goes. I feel it within me. I am reaching my claws into my own darkness, reaching for the surface that will inevitably vanish from sight for yet another hibernation.”

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Thank God for you, WordPress. I hate telling those around me that I’m feeling it come on again, like a head cold. I feel like I’m “always” depressed. Soon, everyone will be so sick of me! (If they’re not already) Well, if it means anything, I don’t feel as if it’s going to be a very deep episode. Sometimes I just need to stay in bed for a few days with my eyes open wide, staring blankly at the wall ahead of me. That’s healthy, right?

Today is Tuesday. Boy, do I have a lot of work to accomplish today. I came back to my job yesterday with 56 emails waiting for me. I work in human resources, so I get to deal with the fun stuff. I knocked out a lot yesterday, though. It shouldn’t be too awful today.

They all said in a singsongy voice today, “Good morning, Sibyl” as I stepped out of bed. I’ll tell you one thing, they sure have got that down. I feel different when they address me now. Almost as if I’m actually a different person. I’m not even sure how I would explain that to you.

I was looking over some older pictures of me from just a couple years ago. My boyfriend tells me that he was dating a very different person back then. I keep reassuring him that I’m the same I’ve always been. However, as I was looking back on myself, I began to understand his frustration. I was different. I was still struggling through the same issues more or less, but I looked a lot different. I looked healthier. I was really into yoga, chakra healing, aura cleansing, you know, new age type work. I still am, but I’ve dropped it along the way. Somewhere, my mental state spiraled and I lost control. I can’t even tell you where the wheels fell off on the road.

I don’t want you all to think I’m this over-depressed-my-life-is-pointless girl. My posts are quite morose and somber, I realize. I suppose this is really the only place where I can unpack my suitcase of the emotions. There isn’t anyone next to me folding back up the shirts saying, “Really? Why did you take this out? Let’s put this back.” Believe me, I’m fairly bubbly and warm in person. I wouldn’t say that it’s all fake- I really am a happy person at nature… I think. At the end of the day, I just feel tired from hiding the other parts.

Sometimes, I fear that I’m not doing such a great job of hiding it anymore. Yesterday, for example, I had made dinner (which was amazing, by the way. I need to consider reopening my cooking blog!), sat down on the sofa to watch TV with my boyfriend, and it started. I was just thinking some pretty intrusive and unpleasant thoughts. He asked me what was wrong. I chirped, “Nothing!” and smiled brightly. Like botched plastic surgery for the mood, he saw right through me and really wanted to know what was bothering me. Finally, I just told him that I was really hungry.

Well anyways, enough of this pity party. I know I keep saying I need to follow up with my referral to my psych. I really need to. I’m just kind of scared about it again. I had first taken my initial diagnoses as a good thing, something to work with. But now, I’m taking it as a diagnoses, something that’s wrong with me. It scares me to be honest with you. Will I get worse? Will I lose everyone?

-SJ

PS- the good news is I am totally recovered from the stomach flu.

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