Christmas Eve and Coffee Grounds

Today was a lot better, despite my lack of sleep in the infamous 72 hour standstill.  My body is tired yet my mind feels very relaxed.

I’m unsure as to how I did it, yet as I was making coffee this morning, I felt it coming- a wave of narration and banter. I was able to calm myself down and stop it before it happened.

Empowering, right?

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I haven’t seen my family in a good while. My brother and sister, that is. My brother is 25 years older than I am, and my sister is 23 years older. Imagine that. Pretty astounding.

I rarely converse with my sister- let alone visit her. So, it will be good to catch up tomorrow. We like to exchange obligatory how-are-you’s, since genuine curiosity for the others’ wellbeing flew out the window a few years ago. Oh, perhaps I’m being too harsh. Family dynamics are a touchy thing!

(To be frank, I think the first time I went off my rocker, so-to-speak, really disgruntled her and shook her up a bit. I remind her of our dad. We have two separate mothers. That’s right. I’m the result of a skid row love affair. My dad left their mom for my much younger, wild and beautiful mother. So, anyways, my sister and her mother hold evident animosity towards me. Because I chose this life…)

My brother and I get along. I moved in with him when I was 14 after my first psychotic break. I had ran away from home- TRIGGER WARNING- and had sliced and chopped my body. My throat, wrists, legs, stomach and hips were badly marred from adolescent angst and mental instability. A blast from the past. My brother had me move in with him to diffuse the bomb (I was the bomb. Originally, it was just for 2 weeks. That turned into 4 years.

Anyways, how did we get on this topic? Christmas.

It’ll be good.



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