Oh, You Again 

I’m undecided if this is just pregnancy hormones I’m experiencing, or true blue depression rearing its head. Probably both. 

I’m incredibly stressed, though I’m trying hard to breathe through it- mostly for baby. 

Without going into too many details, not only are we moving houses right now, and prepping for a baby, but two days ago it became official that we are moving across the country right after baby is born. 

I’m trying to process everything at once. I feel like things are piling on top of my chest. I’m exhausted, I cry at the drop of a dime. I’m scared, anxious. Trying to be optimistic and push through this hard part. 

The thought of leaving the only place I’ve ever known triggers major unsettling feelings. I mean, it’s hard enough moving towns. You wouldn’t guess it since I’ve moved well over 20 times in my life. 

I’m feeling kind of panicky. I’m feeling so drained. I need to stay well rested and healthy and stable right now. 

A part of me wonders if I should talk to my doctor about the possibility of looking into meds to help in the near future. I don’t want to set myself up for failure, but I am significantly worried about my risk for post-partum depression. With all this change going on, I don’t know how well I’ll be able to hold it together. 

Especially in January. January is always so hard for me :/

So much to think about. I’m just trying to stay afloat. 

Meanwhile, I’ve been feeling the beginning flutters from baby. Knowing I’m not alone and that someone is depending on me helps. And they are so sweet! I’ve been waiting years and years for those kicks and flutters ❤

From Maiden to Mother

I already feel the shift of motherhood. 

I feel an intense urge to protect my small family, which includes myself. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit surrounding me. It is my responsibility now to to sift through the things that are actually needed in my life, and those that are wasteful. That includes physical possessions, relationships and connections, and useless worries. 

(Maybe this is the nesting phase that I’ve heard so much about at the very start of the second trimester! Which would come in handy because we have about 25 days to pack and move!)

I’m really loving the maternal instinct that’s kicking in. It’s very empowering. I mean, I’m making a HUMAN. From scratch. 

My focus is shifting from the maiden perspective to mother. Where once my interests were in going out to get drunk, indulge in self-destructive activities, and overall just being “my age,” I find that now I am constantly finding ways in my everyday life to better myself as a significant other, as a mother, and as a person in whole. 

I’ve always felt the “feminine divine” within me, but it seems to really be multiplying with each day that passes. My growing bump serves as a wonderful reminder of my resilient and loving nature. I’m so excited to delve into motherhood even more and unfold my true power! 

Although I do have to say, I do miss the taste of my favorite IPA. But I’ll just have to wait.

Major Life Changes

I’ve been gone from my L&L blog for a few months it seems. Life has caught up with me and has shaken me up- in the BEST and worst ways. I still read your posts, still flip through your updates. 

[[ Journal for Damned Lovers, I’m still addicted to your writings. Manyofus, I hope you’re doing okay. You will get through this rough patch! ]]

I just haven’t found time, nor motivation, to really write anything. Even my poetry blog is dusty! But here I am now to bring you the most recent and drastic changes in my life– if you care to read about them.

 

  1. I have a new job! I’m working for an early intervention program as a Behavior Therapist. My clients are between the ages of 2-6, and most are diagnosed with autism or other developmental disorders. I LOVE my job. I’ve been there for about 4 months now and I think I really found a great company. Some days are harder than others, but overall I am very appreciative of the opportunity I have to work with little ones. 
  2. My girlfriend and I are no longer together. We broke up in March this year, so 3ish months ago. Without going into too many details, it’s sad. I still feel sad about it. I love her very much, always will. We still talk though. Not sure what else to say at this particular point- I’m sure I’ll write a longer post about it later. 
  3. My boyfriend and I are still together (a couple posts back I wrote about the relationship we three shared)
  4. I’m moving yet again. I’m giving my 30 day notice to my current residency on July 1st. So stress levels are a bit high. 

Hmm.. anything else…

OH YEAH! I’m pregnant!

I found out Mother’s Day. I wasn’t expecting it at ALL. We were on birth control, in no way were we planning on having a baby any time soon. We’ve talked about waiting 2-3 years first before trying. But lo and behold, I am currently 11 weeks pregnant. 

The first 6 weeks were rough in terms of not knowing what the hell to do. My boyfriend and I have really only been together for 7 months or so. He’s never wanted kids before. I was flip-flopping between terminating the pregnancy because of various reasons- financial doubts, I didn’t want my baby to have a father who wasn’t fully in board, I’m young, etc. 

My first ultrasound confirmed my desire to be a mother. We saw the heartbeat for the first time and I was smitten. (He thought it looked like a salamander, but he’s coming around to it haha) 


How drastic things have changed. I am an emotional roller coaster, swinging through happiness, excitement, fear, doubt…. after suffering through multiple miscarriages in the past, I was terrified of losing this one. But the doctor says everything looks perfect and healthy. Finally.  

My boyfriend is an amazing human being. Since we found out, he’s been reassuring me that whatever I decided, he would be there 100%. And he has been. He is so incredibly supportive and I appreciate him for that. 

Still, life’s responsibilities are weighing on me. They are only growing larger, as am I! My jeans officially don’t fit me anymore. Although my morning sickness and exhaustion are disappearing more and more as I approach my second trimester. 

I am one stressed mama. There are MANY days I wish I could crawl next to my girlfriend, or I guess ex :/, and just talk to her. I know it’s not fair to even ask her to be in board with all of this. But she’s been my person for so long. 

So, there it is, WordPress. Major life changes. 

Travel Lodges and Growing Pains

Sometimes, just sometimes, I still get that inexplicable urge to runaway to a far-off hotel room and OD on some heavy duty meds and just leave. Start over. Let myself go so that I’m not making anyone else’s life harder or my own.

Just sometimes, though.

I’m stressed out. On one hand, things are going well because I have a new job. I start in one week as a behavioral therapist in training. I’m leaving my current full-time job of 6 years and I am taking a great leap of faith. Holy shit. I’ll be working with cute little kiddos.

Things are changing. I’m turning 25 in a couple weeks and that’s also kind of stressing me out.

I want to travel. I want an intense experience and meet people, and find myself in a little bar in Mexico shooting tequila with tourists, I want to wake up before the sun somewhere in India and pray with other devotees. I know this is all very “dreamy” but still. I need to experience things.

AHHHHH I just feel so much 😥 There are so many feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Day Last Year

It’s raining today like it was January 19th of last year when I got out of the hospital for my 5150. I couldn’t help but cry in the shower this morning, feeling overwhelmed at the changes in my life- for the better, but still. How different things are now.

This day last year, I couldn’t feel anything. I had no emotion left inside of me. I could harness no gratitude for life. I remember getting home and showering… nothing felt real to me anymore. I was only in the hospital for a few days. Maybe it was purely trauma from attempting suicide that made my brain kind of shut off.

This day last year, I was completely apathetic and empty. I was laying on my bed staring at the carpet wondering if I had actually died. The only thing I could think of doing was going to a bar and drinking; maybe then I would be able to feel. They had taken away my benzo stash. I dug around my drawers and closet looking for leftover Ativan, Hydrocodone… anything. Nothing.

This day last year, I was released back into the real world and I was scared of leaving the confinements of the hospital because I didn’t feel ready to live. (However, it was better to be out and have free will than it was to be trapped like animal, drugged and shuffled in and out of group meetings.)

This day last year, I desperately called my ex-dealer for heroin.

Everything is different now. I have a great life. My relationship(s) are going so well, they make me incredibly happy. I feel that I’m moving forward- despite my normal career anxiety, financial worry, etc. But overall, I’m safe and happy. I’m in SUCH a different place.

So, why do I feel guilty for it?

I got what I wanted, but I still sometimes feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel selfish for surviving.

Whiny Fucking Baby

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty about having a dissociative disorder because the more I think about it, the more I think that nothing THAT terrible has happened to me. So I can only conclude that I am a whiny fucking baby and I have just been unable to confront minor every day life struggles.

Is incest a normal every day life struggle?

Maybe I’ve just blown everything out of proportion. My father’s suicide, my mother running out on me, the molestation, the child pornography,  the rape in college, the suicide attempts, the drug binging.

I really don’t have anything to complain about, or be “broken by”- I made it out alive and there are others with actual, real issues. Yet, here I am, continuing to self-harm because I blame myself for my parents leaving, for my cousin sticking himself in me, for allowing myself to be raped and abused.

Whiny, selfish, dramatic, stupid, and worthless waste of space.

Polyamory for the Win

I am in love with two people, and life is pretty god damn, fucking wonderful.

I don’t have the attention span to even write a long, detailed post about this, but I wanted to share because I’m happy. I NEED to share this happiness with someone.

My girlfriend, who I’ve been with for 2 ½ beautiful years has COMPLETELY shocked me and was willing to open our relationship up.

My boyfriend is just stupid amazing. Amazing.

They’re close, too. And it’s great.

God dammit. I’m so grateful for everything right now. I’m grateful that I love these two incredible human beings and that they love me just the same. I LOVE feeling loved.

(The sex is pretty fucking intense, too. Just saying. Don’t you worry, I’ll be writing some nifty poems about that.)

I truly feel that this experience with our relationship has confirmed my belief that I am polyamorous. It is a wonderful feeling being out.

Oh- and I LOVE introducing them in public. People flip their lids. “What?! You’re dating both?! You can do that?!”

Yeah, I’m happy. What the fuck is this?

 

PPS- THEY ARE SO FUCKING CUTE TOO!!! All 3 of us are cute as hell together!!!! AH! I love being in love. AHHHH

New Blog, Follow Me There

I’m moving my poetry over to a new blog: Rhymes with Duck

You can find my writings here, https://rhymeswithduckblog.wordpress.com/

I’ll still update here every now and then with personal shit.

Thank you to all my readers. You’re all amazing.

Rose Cotton

wmuambermartin05

 

hapless fledgling
unable to move
unable to make a sound,
save the minute gasps and gurgles
(which I’m sure would
make my heart swell)

I am trying to get back to you

innocence
wrapped in rose cotton
I’ve a thousand names
yet none of them deserve you

I am trying to get back to you

there in a dark room
I dream of the weight
of your frame cradled in my arms
I dream selfishly of your
gaze weaving into my eyes
knowing you are mine

I am trying to get back to you

all the while
I am waking up to you
remembering a song made
just for us
my body is tired and stretched
with new scars, new lines
but they are all for you
I am all for you

I am trying to get back to you

even so,
I am not solely fixed on
the smaller you,
but all of you
to watch over you
helplessly in love
growing into happiness
growing into a place
I never knew (I love you)

I am trying to get back to you

and never on my chest had you laid,
instead
floating in red water
suspended in a spiraling
oblivion
I have watched your
grapeblue seedy pieces
over and over
and over
washing away from
my insides

I am terrified that I may never come back to you

I am harvesting smiles of the mothers
with ten pounds
of ten fingers
and ten toes

barren
barren

I am no woman
I am an empty shell